Better day today. Every 'better' day is an achievement.
I went to a trade show the beginning of February. I saw a friend of mine whom I've known since fourth grade, we grew up together, and we laughed, we cried, and did all of that grieving bonding stuff with far too much red wine. It was more healing than I can even find words to tell you. It was very good!
The trade show was intense. 12 hour days, so much mental and visual stimulation I felt brain-dead at the end of every day. It was fun, but also was very much about me finding my way and trying to be steady with that, whilst navigating this new territory that is 'Life Without Alex'. That was really hard, continues to be hard. But I know Alex was (and is) very proud of me for my work, what I am doing and for finding a job that I love so much. It isn't an important job in the world, or the big picture, but I'm good at it, and it gives me pleasure. And that matters.
At the show, it was and is still now, like being on a teeter-totter, or a roller-coaster. Times it was fun, and great, and I felt confident, knew what I was doing, and felt strong. Laughed a lot. Stayed steady. Made good choices, was decisive, and knew what was needed, and met that need. I was observing myself, watching how I was moving through the experience, one month after my brother died.....As it was then, two months into it now, it is the same: Some days I am okay, some days not so much. I am great in certain moments, and a basket case in others.
I'm trying to grasp what this process is. It is so foreign, so wrong, so hard....sometimes it is like a gaping, yawning abyss opens up before me, unannounced, and very suddenly. I watch myself emotionally windmilling my arms, standing on the precipice of the deep hole of grief, trying to catch my balance and desperately striving for balance, as I teeter on that edge. It comes without warning, so the ability to steel myself, to be prepared or to find coping mechanisms is pointless. I cant.
I cant.
Better day today. It was ok. I went through the motions and got busy at work and actually enjoyed it. That is good. Mostly I can cope. But then in the afternoons, when I've put all of my energy into creating a semblance of constancy and normalcy, I get tired. All of my energy goes into maintenance. Into putting one foot in front of the other and I focus on that. It is just that when I am side-swiped by the abyss that I falter.... And in the evenings, when I come home, there is simply nothing left. The day I don't panic is a good day.
What's beautiful about this process, and also very hard, as a double edged sword, is the sadness and grief of the people in my community, and their desire to share their feelings with me. Their expression of support is a great gift. But a burden too....It happens most days. Today a former client came into the store and asked after Alex. I had to tell him what happened. He hadn't known. He was stunned. Gutted. We said the obligatory sad things, the sharing of shock, the welling of tears, and then he said, "I think I need to go away now and think about this...." And he left crying. I'm left standing there with my work to do, and my business to conduct like a 'normal' person who's life has not been freshly reminded of a missing limb. Of a heart torn right out of my being.....
And then later, shopping for supper at the grocery store, I encounter another person who hugs me, kisses me, expresses her condolences, eyes welling, and I am comforted, but likewise newly grief stricken. Like a bandage that keeps being ripped off the wound. A wound which bleeds constantly. And I find myself needing to be strong for them. Needing to Offer them support. And I'm not equipped to do so. But I pretend. I go through the motions..... I receive their kindness, their sincere offers of heart-felt sorrow at this great loss, and I go away from the encounter feeling loved, and feeling equally bereft and stripped bare.
Days off, I sleep. I curl up on the couch and watch tv. The day I did panic, and ended up in the hospital (last week - heart palpitations, dizziness, crying uncontrollably for 7 hours, I thought I was literally losing my mind, cracking up, done for.) I was told that everything I am feeling and experiencing is 'normal'. Jesus wept. They gave me a pill, were kind to me, gave be a bag to breath into when I needed it, and then let me sleep. The difference was, I felt not alone, and I felt understood and comforted. I felt absolutely heard, understood, and had permission to fall apart and not be strong for anybody. They were strong for me. Bless them. They were there for me. Which when push comes to shove, in a crisis, I do not feel, at home. B is not one for 'feelings'. I have to take care of myself. So that's what I did. That's what I do.
Today was a better day. I didn't freak out. I got through it, and did well. One step at a time. One moment at a time.
I will heal. I will move forward, and I will get strong again. It is just going to take some time.... I'm making it up as I go along, and I don't really know what to do in any given moment. I just have to breathe, breathe, breathe deep, and be grateful for days that are ok.....
For those of you who knew me in my former blog before it was stolen, as 'Chupaflor' know this: This Hummingbird will fly gain. I just need to be in my nest a while; hunker down, be very quiet and heal. Its gonna take some time.....
Bird.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Melt Down....
I had to put my 14 year old cat down a few days after my brother died. Pushkin had, would you believe, colon cancer, too. My dad had a tumor removed this summer. What is it with the men in my family!?
He had major surgery in october and everything looked rosy until the lab-work came back. Very bad cancer. So we had an extra couple of months of him being back to his old self, bopping around, loving life and everyone in it the the delirious and insatiable life-hog that he was. I havent been able to sleep in my bed since. I sleep on the couch. Pushkin used to sleep on a pillow beside my head. I think this weekend I will take control of the bedroom, move some things around, clear the energy, and reclaim the space. Its time.
I am comforted to know that Alex and Pushkin are together. Alex had a way of attracting cats, strays. They would just show up. Even if they didnt live with him, neighborhood cats would hang out with him. He never fed them, but they wanted to be with him, schmooz with him. He never wanted one. Liked them well enough (loved Pushkin) but didnt want the hair, the responsibility.
It makes me laugh to know that he now has the cat he always never wanted. Because I have told them to stick together, and I know they will. And they will look out for one another.
I'm doing one day on and one day off at work. My colleagues and managers are understanding, amazingly kind and supportive. More so than I ever imagined. Mostly I am getting through my days is a daze, but the rhythm of work is seeping back into me and the distraction is a help. Most of the time. However, by mid-afternoon, I begin to feel overwhelmed and fragile. Today I told a colleague that I just needed to get some air on the deck, and WHAM! Full-blown anxiety attack, complete with feelings which convinced me, even though I know better that 'I'm dying!' Heart palpitations, sobbing, dizziness, shortness of breath, unable to speak. They got me a paper bag. After 20 minutes I could talk through my crying. Everyone was so kind. They held me, stayed with me, told me not to worry about anything, and wiped their own tears from their eyes.
I left early and came home. Feel more calm now, but am drained. I dont know how to do this......
Bird
He had major surgery in october and everything looked rosy until the lab-work came back. Very bad cancer. So we had an extra couple of months of him being back to his old self, bopping around, loving life and everyone in it the the delirious and insatiable life-hog that he was. I havent been able to sleep in my bed since. I sleep on the couch. Pushkin used to sleep on a pillow beside my head. I think this weekend I will take control of the bedroom, move some things around, clear the energy, and reclaim the space. Its time.
I am comforted to know that Alex and Pushkin are together. Alex had a way of attracting cats, strays. They would just show up. Even if they didnt live with him, neighborhood cats would hang out with him. He never fed them, but they wanted to be with him, schmooz with him. He never wanted one. Liked them well enough (loved Pushkin) but didnt want the hair, the responsibility.
It makes me laugh to know that he now has the cat he always never wanted. Because I have told them to stick together, and I know they will. And they will look out for one another.
I'm doing one day on and one day off at work. My colleagues and managers are understanding, amazingly kind and supportive. More so than I ever imagined. Mostly I am getting through my days is a daze, but the rhythm of work is seeping back into me and the distraction is a help. Most of the time. However, by mid-afternoon, I begin to feel overwhelmed and fragile. Today I told a colleague that I just needed to get some air on the deck, and WHAM! Full-blown anxiety attack, complete with feelings which convinced me, even though I know better that 'I'm dying!' Heart palpitations, sobbing, dizziness, shortness of breath, unable to speak. They got me a paper bag. After 20 minutes I could talk through my crying. Everyone was so kind. They held me, stayed with me, told me not to worry about anything, and wiped their own tears from their eyes.
I left early and came home. Feel more calm now, but am drained. I dont know how to do this......
Bird
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Life.... And Death
I havent blogged in a long time. I havent been able to. I've been busy with my life. That sounds stupid. But I really havent been able to bring myself to be here.
There has been an ending of an era, and I needed to put all of my attention there....while it was still possible. And so now that era is over, and I must begin a new one.
My brother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer August 2nd, 2009, after over a year of suffering from what he thought was irritable bowel syndrome. He died December 28th, not of cancer. Can you believe that? He had a blood clot......It isnt fair. He was getting better.
I dont know how to be an only child. I dont know how to deal with my bereavement, which I feel from of the depths of my Soul to the tiniest minutiae of the most mundane thing. I dont know how to cope with the world that doesnt have him here, in it.
It isnt fair. He and Tash had plans. They wanted to create a family. He had so many things he was brilliant at that he wanted to develop. His writing. His coaching career. Writing a column for one of the Formula One websites. He was finally living with purpose and Intention, and was savoring every moment of his life, and his dreams for the future. He was only 42 years old.
My father came from Germany with his fiancee to celebrate Christmas with us. Mum and Tashy's parents were there. We hadnt had a family Christmas like that in 14 years... Christmas eve was traditional cold fare, and Christmas day Alex helped cook, and I made a 23 lbs bird. It was amazing. Such a good time. We were all so happy and loving, and full of hope. I gave everyone a print of one of my paintings. An Angel wing....Alex died the day after dad left.
I'm ok. I am, really. Even though I dont know what ok looks like now, but I am ok. And I will be ok. Alex wouldnt want me to go into the dark places. And so I'm not going there.
I feel him near me all the time. He is here. I see his smile, hear his sardonic, "I CANT believe you said that, Christine', laughing (famous for foot-in-mouth syndrome, me.) I feel him smiling in approval. I feel him rolling his eyes sometimes, still laughing. I feel his distress at having to leave us... But mostly I feel his humour, and his astute clarity coming through. His calm, rational perspective, always gently infused with his therapist's eye for the human condition...
His partner Tash, Mum and I were with him when he went. It was fast and unexpected. He was going to live, you see. The radical therapies he was on had cleared the tumor from his liver.... He was getting stronger, and his body was healing. The one tumor was dying off, the other was shrinking.....It was the other variables that couldnt be controlled. His PH was neutral. His levels were good in everything. Organ function, everything was strong. Aside from cancer, he was vitally healthy. And then it all went bad.
I am very angry. At him, at the hospital (they are an easy target and I know they followed 'protocol' and it isnt their fault, but I am ANGRY!)I am angry at life, at our fates. I go through denial, acceptance, fear, shock, anger, rage, unspeakable grief and calm all in the space of an hour, and then all over again. And again.
It is just all wrong without him.
He died the same day that my sister died, stillborn 35 years ago. My mother .... my mother.... Oh Gods....
Some days are better than others. Today was a bad day. Today, for the first time, I feel sadness. I feel empty. Hollow. And that is more real than anything.
I dont know how to be an only child.....
I dont want to know this terrible thing.
There has been an ending of an era, and I needed to put all of my attention there....while it was still possible. And so now that era is over, and I must begin a new one.
My brother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer August 2nd, 2009, after over a year of suffering from what he thought was irritable bowel syndrome. He died December 28th, not of cancer. Can you believe that? He had a blood clot......It isnt fair. He was getting better.
I dont know how to be an only child. I dont know how to deal with my bereavement, which I feel from of the depths of my Soul to the tiniest minutiae of the most mundane thing. I dont know how to cope with the world that doesnt have him here, in it.
It isnt fair. He and Tash had plans. They wanted to create a family. He had so many things he was brilliant at that he wanted to develop. His writing. His coaching career. Writing a column for one of the Formula One websites. He was finally living with purpose and Intention, and was savoring every moment of his life, and his dreams for the future. He was only 42 years old.
My father came from Germany with his fiancee to celebrate Christmas with us. Mum and Tashy's parents were there. We hadnt had a family Christmas like that in 14 years... Christmas eve was traditional cold fare, and Christmas day Alex helped cook, and I made a 23 lbs bird. It was amazing. Such a good time. We were all so happy and loving, and full of hope. I gave everyone a print of one of my paintings. An Angel wing....Alex died the day after dad left.
I'm ok. I am, really. Even though I dont know what ok looks like now, but I am ok. And I will be ok. Alex wouldnt want me to go into the dark places. And so I'm not going there.
I feel him near me all the time. He is here. I see his smile, hear his sardonic, "I CANT believe you said that, Christine', laughing (famous for foot-in-mouth syndrome, me.) I feel him smiling in approval. I feel him rolling his eyes sometimes, still laughing. I feel his distress at having to leave us... But mostly I feel his humour, and his astute clarity coming through. His calm, rational perspective, always gently infused with his therapist's eye for the human condition...
His partner Tash, Mum and I were with him when he went. It was fast and unexpected. He was going to live, you see. The radical therapies he was on had cleared the tumor from his liver.... He was getting stronger, and his body was healing. The one tumor was dying off, the other was shrinking.....It was the other variables that couldnt be controlled. His PH was neutral. His levels were good in everything. Organ function, everything was strong. Aside from cancer, he was vitally healthy. And then it all went bad.
I am very angry. At him, at the hospital (they are an easy target and I know they followed 'protocol' and it isnt their fault, but I am ANGRY!)I am angry at life, at our fates. I go through denial, acceptance, fear, shock, anger, rage, unspeakable grief and calm all in the space of an hour, and then all over again. And again.
It is just all wrong without him.
He died the same day that my sister died, stillborn 35 years ago. My mother .... my mother.... Oh Gods....
Some days are better than others. Today was a bad day. Today, for the first time, I feel sadness. I feel empty. Hollow. And that is more real than anything.
I dont know how to be an only child.....
I dont want to know this terrible thing.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Seriously? SERIOUSLY!
I do not know whether to laugh or cry. Whether to applaud or barf. 8 babies.... count em.... EIGHT. AND another 6 all under the age of 8. Its a litter of pups! How can one person care for so many hungry mouths adequately?
I guess money can buy you happiness. Or babies. Personally, I'd have been content with one.
On the other side of infertility I want to say, "You GO girl!" I want to send flowers and praises to a woman who loves children, loves having them and mothering them, and who, being single, just damns the torpedoes and goes full steam ahead. That's chutzpah! That's a lady with a dream, and backbone enough to make it happen. That is one human being with a lot of love to give ( or a big need for unconditional love, because lets face it, the only real unconditional love, comes from the Creator - who knows everything - and little babies - who can hardly know any better.) Still, here is a person who dared to make a family, in her desired image, and that is really something. I respect that. But something in my stomach is turning. 8. (Well 14 now) Will they get all the care they need? Will there be enough of their mother left over to actually have anything to give at the end of the day? (How can she afford it... though looking at her face, and the obviously extensive plastic surgery she's had - poor thing- she clearly has money)...Is it jealousy? Or old age? Am I becoming conservative and judgmental in my middle age? Or am I just sensing a boundary between what is possible and what is reasonable? And who the hell am I to say anyway?!
I smell a reality show coming on.Yegads.
I am one of the most liberal minded people I know. But seriously!
What do YOU think?
I guess money can buy you happiness. Or babies. Personally, I'd have been content with one.
On the other side of infertility I want to say, "You GO girl!" I want to send flowers and praises to a woman who loves children, loves having them and mothering them, and who, being single, just damns the torpedoes and goes full steam ahead. That's chutzpah! That's a lady with a dream, and backbone enough to make it happen. That is one human being with a lot of love to give ( or a big need for unconditional love, because lets face it, the only real unconditional love, comes from the Creator - who knows everything - and little babies - who can hardly know any better.) Still, here is a person who dared to make a family, in her desired image, and that is really something. I respect that. But something in my stomach is turning. 8. (Well 14 now) Will they get all the care they need? Will there be enough of their mother left over to actually have anything to give at the end of the day? (How can she afford it... though looking at her face, and the obviously extensive plastic surgery she's had - poor thing- she clearly has money)...Is it jealousy? Or old age? Am I becoming conservative and judgmental in my middle age? Or am I just sensing a boundary between what is possible and what is reasonable? And who the hell am I to say anyway?!
I smell a reality show coming on.Yegads.
I am one of the most liberal minded people I know. But seriously!
What do YOU think?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I am Full of Tears.....
Having had a wobbly day anyway, at work (just from so much to do, not with anything bad)I got home and logged on to read, instead of watch, the inaugural speech, thinking reading would be less emotionally intense. I didn't want to cry today....
I'm Canadian. We don't hold with guns and racism, or bigotry of any stripe, although we have our fair share. But mostly we don't like that sort of thing. It isn't nice. Isn't civilized....By and large, we are a pretty tolerant and amenable bunch. Polite, you might say.....
And so I'm sitting here covered with goose-bumps, with tears in my eyes, thinking, 'Damn! About time!'
To my cousins to the south - and I do, actually, have cousins in the 'south' (mostly Pennsylvania)if somewhat secondly or thirdly removed, still....we are all related... In Native tradition, at the end of a prayer, one acknowledges the connectedness of all things by offering gratitude to "all my relations", and this includes the mineral, plant, animal and Human realms.
My heart is full and I have a thing to say:
"People of America, well done! The World has been waiting long and long for this day! Collectively, you have chosen to take the reins of the present and wrested it, with great courage and in the face of dire times, from the archaic model of the past. Armed with clarity of purpose, with a vision of Justice, and the Will to live that dream, you have put on your 'seven league boots' and finally rejoined the rest of the World in our journey towards peace! In a Very Big Way! This is how we make dreams Reality! You have claimed a goal for the future which is about inclusion and understanding, disavowing and rejecting that fear-based path which was wielded with arrogance and entitlement in the past. You have chosen to move forward by making a statement of respect, and ultimately of Self-respect, in voicing a desire to create unity in this world, and standing for that statement, and for this world. Choosing to move forward with hope and choosing to go beyond fear into a place where possibility can at last breathe. Not just for yourselves, but for all human beings living on this planet. That is what leaders do. I tell you three times, That is what leaders do! And I say to you that the world is very proud of you! I bless you and thank you, on behalf of all reasoning peoples who desire peace and security for all, I thank you for reclaiming your heritage and your future! This choice will have a large impact on the direction of the future of the world, and now we all can finally believe that the future is a good place to work toward. Together. Together we can do it. We can make the world a place where human beings can live safely, securely, and in harmony. I honor you, my cousins to the south, my relatives, my fellow human beings, People of America, for taking this step forward as leaders of this new Path."
Hoh. All my relations.
And now I am crying.
But my weeping is for Joy...
I'm Canadian. We don't hold with guns and racism, or bigotry of any stripe, although we have our fair share. But mostly we don't like that sort of thing. It isn't nice. Isn't civilized....By and large, we are a pretty tolerant and amenable bunch. Polite, you might say.....
And so I'm sitting here covered with goose-bumps, with tears in my eyes, thinking, 'Damn! About time!'
To my cousins to the south - and I do, actually, have cousins in the 'south' (mostly Pennsylvania)if somewhat secondly or thirdly removed, still....we are all related... In Native tradition, at the end of a prayer, one acknowledges the connectedness of all things by offering gratitude to "all my relations", and this includes the mineral, plant, animal and Human realms.
My heart is full and I have a thing to say:
"People of America, well done! The World has been waiting long and long for this day! Collectively, you have chosen to take the reins of the present and wrested it, with great courage and in the face of dire times, from the archaic model of the past. Armed with clarity of purpose, with a vision of Justice, and the Will to live that dream, you have put on your 'seven league boots' and finally rejoined the rest of the World in our journey towards peace! In a Very Big Way! This is how we make dreams Reality! You have claimed a goal for the future which is about inclusion and understanding, disavowing and rejecting that fear-based path which was wielded with arrogance and entitlement in the past. You have chosen to move forward by making a statement of respect, and ultimately of Self-respect, in voicing a desire to create unity in this world, and standing for that statement, and for this world. Choosing to move forward with hope and choosing to go beyond fear into a place where possibility can at last breathe. Not just for yourselves, but for all human beings living on this planet. That is what leaders do. I tell you three times, That is what leaders do! And I say to you that the world is very proud of you! I bless you and thank you, on behalf of all reasoning peoples who desire peace and security for all, I thank you for reclaiming your heritage and your future! This choice will have a large impact on the direction of the future of the world, and now we all can finally believe that the future is a good place to work toward. Together. Together we can do it. We can make the world a place where human beings can live safely, securely, and in harmony. I honor you, my cousins to the south, my relatives, my fellow human beings, People of America, for taking this step forward as leaders of this new Path."
Hoh. All my relations.
And now I am crying.
But my weeping is for Joy...
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The Upside of Taking Things for Granted......
.... if there is such a thing. And I think there is.
We take certain basic things for granted. The Sun will rise tomorrow. Air for breathing, for example. We assume that our hearts will still be beating the morning after the night before, when in trust we fall asleep.... into that profoundly vulnerable place; that place of utter defenselessness.
We assume things, and we must in order to feel safe. If we didn't, we'd go stark raving bonkers immediately. Everything would be dangerous, if not deadly.
So that covers the basics. Yes, we take those for granted. And then there are the other things, like food and shelter, which we in the privileged cultures also take for granted. Not that we don't work our arses off to maintain these things. The fundamentals. Paying rent. Utilities. Taxes. Putting food on table and keeping roof over head, not to mention making sure we have enough money to pay the vets bills. Etc, etc. Finding meaning in work is at an even higher lever and not all of us are so fortunate. But we try.
Still there are other more subtle things we take for granted in the realms of the heart and which have to do with with the intricate threads woven between people over time, who love one another. This is a more delicate thing. At a certain level, if we don't trust with that huge leap of faith that the other (friend, lover, parent) will be there no matter what, then we live in perpetual fear of abandonment. We need to know that we can fuck up and that we are forgivable. We need to know that we can make detours, and that when we come round our circle will receive us with loving welcome.
Faith is a leap of faith. And trust is about faith, I think. It isn't about an observation of events that weigh out with a pro or con. Trust is not that clinical. It is instinctual. Emotional. It isn't about experience that shows us that we are putting our hearts on the line foolishly. It is about faith. Trust is a fragile thing, and it is a choice, but it is also a very visceral thing which speaks from a deep place in the gut, 'evidence' to the contrary, notwithstanding. We hope that trust will bear out to be well-placed and we have faith in that. In our families. In our friendships. In our communities. In where we put our vote. Because trust and Hope, and Faith live in the heart. The mind can say all it wants, with its Ego and its logic, but the heart is the captain of these seas.
We need to take certain things for granted to remain sane. We really do. I need to know my man loves me. That my brother will always be in my corner, that my friend will not forsake me if I make a stupid and monumentally mortifying mistake (okay, maybe that's never happened to you, but I tell you three times: it happens to me on a regular basis). That my mother (crazy old bat that she is, Gods Love her) will still love me even though I will never be like her, no matter how much she wills me to be.....That my government will not strip me of my rights and usurp them, or make unilateral and global decisions without my own small voice being heard.
And yet the closest people to us are the ones we 'take for granted' with the greatest lack of attention, the most egregious disregard; the most neglectful absence of attention. The arrogance and hubris exemplified in our behaviour to these very ones being put at the bottom of the list of priorities is staggering... and yet we take for granted that we will all cleave together when the fertilizer hits the rotating blades, and funnily enough, most often, we do. Moreover, the one and only person (besides,and even including our Creator) who is ALWAYS there, the Self, is the one we take most for granted, the one we abandon most easily....We all do it, some of the time.
But where is that line? When its not okay anymore.....
When the friend of a lifetime's long decades, who has found a new love, is 'too busy', or when the spouse has an important work project and needs to focus all attention on that, or when the parent is (probably with justification) involved in their own process of aging, or when we ourselves realize that not only are our most important ones at the bottom of 'the list' but we ourselves are not on that list at all! The Self gets lost utterly.
I take for granted that my family will be as dysfunctional as the next one, but that they will love me anyway; that my friend will assume I will be there when she's come out of her new love-fog (and dammit, nigh-on forty years trumps five minutes every time, thank you very goddamn much), and that my partner will know that I will be there, when he takes his head out of his navel (or arse... soon, I hope). I take these things for granted because the Love there is enduring. It is a constant, which sits at the hub of all that swirls around it. And I wonder that Love can, in fact, be constant. At all. Its a bloody miracle.
So I reckon that constancy in love is about trust, and Trust is a sister to Hope, both of which are a leap of Faith.
Tricky times in the world at large, these days. All I know is that people can and do love one another. That is, it really IS a constant. THERE IS LOVE BETWEEN PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD. I know this. We have hope that things will 'get better' and we have Faith, we leap into that blind place with Trust.
My mother told me that when I was two-ish, we were hanging out at a pool on a pretty sunny day. She said that she was chatting with some other mothers and all of a sudden she heard my voice call out to her. I was standing on the diving board, little and wee, with all the faith and trust in the world smiling out of my face. "Mama, catch!" I shouted as I jumped into the deep end. Well she scrambled like hell to get to me and you know what? I wasn't drowned. I was okay. I trusted and leaped. Trust... that 'blind leap of faith' is like that..... You just go for it, and when Love is there, you aren't drowned. Mum nearly shit her pants, of course, but I learned that someone would catch me if I jumped. I just wish I still had the faith of the innocent....These days I have to work at it. I have to really make a choice and trust with my WILL that I will be caught, when I jump.
I'm boycotting the consumer thing this season. For a change. Christmas is so stressful. I don't like it. It kills the 'Spirit' of the season for me. The real meaning of this time of year, which is really about the celebration of the return of Light to the land..... For me, the turning of the season, the OLD meaning, the Original meaning is all about renewal and reconnection. All across the World we see ancient cultures celebrating the 'festival of Light' in its various forms, with is myriad traditions. And that is a Joyful thing.
I'll do a tree, and that will be lovely. I'll make a family dinner ( I do a gorgeous bird if I do say so myself), I'll 'deck the halls' and decorate with ivy and cedar and holly, and the house will smell heavenly with it. 'Stuff', however, is so unnecessary. I don't want it. I dont want 'things'....For once, it is such a relief to say, "No, I dont want things..." I just want my people, great food and a happy time with a shared couple of bottles of wine and good conversation and togetherness.
I dont want STUFF.
I want Hope, and Faith, and I trust that people who can love WILL and SHALL love, and that with the coming of Solstice, the renewal of Light and renewal of Life, that Love, and Faith in humanity and its goodness, it's potential, shall prevail, and we will all trust enough to make a leap of Faith into a New Year, and have enough will to create a new vision for the future, where we CAN take for granted the vision that we hold in faith.Where we can take for granted that what is good and right will be created, by all of us, collectively. Because at the end of the day, as human beings, we are capable of love. We are capable of hope, of tolerance, of respect for differences and diversity, and in that there is the potential for anything we want. For all things good.
Humanity is still in it's adolescence. We are a very young species. We have a long way to go but we have the seeds of greatness and goodness in us. We can be beautiful.
I have faith in that. Call me naive. That's okay.
Because I think that if we have Love, we've got to have hope. And if we have hope we must have Faith. It doesnt matter what name that Faith has, so long as it informs us that something good is possible. That we can create, as a collective humanity, something good out of our belief in the possible. The possibility for an end to limitation; an end to judgment; an end to the subjugation of one for the other; an end to prejudice and bigotry (I so very much want that, believe in that possibility, that reality).....Possibilities can only exist if we believe they exist..... If we Intend them to exist... I can believe in that. I can really get behind that kind of belief. I am telling you right now that this is a real possibility that we can create.I know this is true.
I believe that we can be big. I have a lot of hope invested in us, as a species, that we can all be great.
I don't know if I can take that for granted, but I intend to take that leap of Faith.
Bird.
Later: I can have all the Trust I want (or try) but that isn't going to stop Teddy the Bear from busting out of the dog run and going on walk-about when he feels like it..... That little rat-bag. He's just very lucky he's so cute! And I'm very lucky he always comes back... eventually. :)
We take certain basic things for granted. The Sun will rise tomorrow. Air for breathing, for example. We assume that our hearts will still be beating the morning after the night before, when in trust we fall asleep.... into that profoundly vulnerable place; that place of utter defenselessness.
We assume things, and we must in order to feel safe. If we didn't, we'd go stark raving bonkers immediately. Everything would be dangerous, if not deadly.
So that covers the basics. Yes, we take those for granted. And then there are the other things, like food and shelter, which we in the privileged cultures also take for granted. Not that we don't work our arses off to maintain these things. The fundamentals. Paying rent. Utilities. Taxes. Putting food on table and keeping roof over head, not to mention making sure we have enough money to pay the vets bills. Etc, etc. Finding meaning in work is at an even higher lever and not all of us are so fortunate. But we try.
Still there are other more subtle things we take for granted in the realms of the heart and which have to do with with the intricate threads woven between people over time, who love one another. This is a more delicate thing. At a certain level, if we don't trust with that huge leap of faith that the other (friend, lover, parent) will be there no matter what, then we live in perpetual fear of abandonment. We need to know that we can fuck up and that we are forgivable. We need to know that we can make detours, and that when we come round our circle will receive us with loving welcome.
Faith is a leap of faith. And trust is about faith, I think. It isn't about an observation of events that weigh out with a pro or con. Trust is not that clinical. It is instinctual. Emotional. It isn't about experience that shows us that we are putting our hearts on the line foolishly. It is about faith. Trust is a fragile thing, and it is a choice, but it is also a very visceral thing which speaks from a deep place in the gut, 'evidence' to the contrary, notwithstanding. We hope that trust will bear out to be well-placed and we have faith in that. In our families. In our friendships. In our communities. In where we put our vote. Because trust and Hope, and Faith live in the heart. The mind can say all it wants, with its Ego and its logic, but the heart is the captain of these seas.
We need to take certain things for granted to remain sane. We really do. I need to know my man loves me. That my brother will always be in my corner, that my friend will not forsake me if I make a stupid and monumentally mortifying mistake (okay, maybe that's never happened to you, but I tell you three times: it happens to me on a regular basis). That my mother (crazy old bat that she is, Gods Love her) will still love me even though I will never be like her, no matter how much she wills me to be.....That my government will not strip me of my rights and usurp them, or make unilateral and global decisions without my own small voice being heard.
And yet the closest people to us are the ones we 'take for granted' with the greatest lack of attention, the most egregious disregard; the most neglectful absence of attention. The arrogance and hubris exemplified in our behaviour to these very ones being put at the bottom of the list of priorities is staggering... and yet we take for granted that we will all cleave together when the fertilizer hits the rotating blades, and funnily enough, most often, we do. Moreover, the one and only person (besides,and even including our Creator) who is ALWAYS there, the Self, is the one we take most for granted, the one we abandon most easily....We all do it, some of the time.
But where is that line? When its not okay anymore.....
When the friend of a lifetime's long decades, who has found a new love, is 'too busy', or when the spouse has an important work project and needs to focus all attention on that, or when the parent is (probably with justification) involved in their own process of aging, or when we ourselves realize that not only are our most important ones at the bottom of 'the list' but we ourselves are not on that list at all! The Self gets lost utterly.
I take for granted that my family will be as dysfunctional as the next one, but that they will love me anyway; that my friend will assume I will be there when she's come out of her new love-fog (and dammit, nigh-on forty years trumps five minutes every time, thank you very goddamn much), and that my partner will know that I will be there, when he takes his head out of his navel (or arse... soon, I hope). I take these things for granted because the Love there is enduring. It is a constant, which sits at the hub of all that swirls around it. And I wonder that Love can, in fact, be constant. At all. Its a bloody miracle.
So I reckon that constancy in love is about trust, and Trust is a sister to Hope, both of which are a leap of Faith.
Tricky times in the world at large, these days. All I know is that people can and do love one another. That is, it really IS a constant. THERE IS LOVE BETWEEN PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD. I know this. We have hope that things will 'get better' and we have Faith, we leap into that blind place with Trust.
My mother told me that when I was two-ish, we were hanging out at a pool on a pretty sunny day. She said that she was chatting with some other mothers and all of a sudden she heard my voice call out to her. I was standing on the diving board, little and wee, with all the faith and trust in the world smiling out of my face. "Mama, catch!" I shouted as I jumped into the deep end. Well she scrambled like hell to get to me and you know what? I wasn't drowned. I was okay. I trusted and leaped. Trust... that 'blind leap of faith' is like that..... You just go for it, and when Love is there, you aren't drowned. Mum nearly shit her pants, of course, but I learned that someone would catch me if I jumped. I just wish I still had the faith of the innocent....These days I have to work at it. I have to really make a choice and trust with my WILL that I will be caught, when I jump.
I'm boycotting the consumer thing this season. For a change. Christmas is so stressful. I don't like it. It kills the 'Spirit' of the season for me. The real meaning of this time of year, which is really about the celebration of the return of Light to the land..... For me, the turning of the season, the OLD meaning, the Original meaning is all about renewal and reconnection. All across the World we see ancient cultures celebrating the 'festival of Light' in its various forms, with is myriad traditions. And that is a Joyful thing.
I'll do a tree, and that will be lovely. I'll make a family dinner ( I do a gorgeous bird if I do say so myself), I'll 'deck the halls' and decorate with ivy and cedar and holly, and the house will smell heavenly with it. 'Stuff', however, is so unnecessary. I don't want it. I dont want 'things'....For once, it is such a relief to say, "No, I dont want things..." I just want my people, great food and a happy time with a shared couple of bottles of wine and good conversation and togetherness.
I dont want STUFF.
I want Hope, and Faith, and I trust that people who can love WILL and SHALL love, and that with the coming of Solstice, the renewal of Light and renewal of Life, that Love, and Faith in humanity and its goodness, it's potential, shall prevail, and we will all trust enough to make a leap of Faith into a New Year, and have enough will to create a new vision for the future, where we CAN take for granted the vision that we hold in faith.Where we can take for granted that what is good and right will be created, by all of us, collectively. Because at the end of the day, as human beings, we are capable of love. We are capable of hope, of tolerance, of respect for differences and diversity, and in that there is the potential for anything we want. For all things good.
Humanity is still in it's adolescence. We are a very young species. We have a long way to go but we have the seeds of greatness and goodness in us. We can be beautiful.
I have faith in that. Call me naive. That's okay.
Because I think that if we have Love, we've got to have hope. And if we have hope we must have Faith. It doesnt matter what name that Faith has, so long as it informs us that something good is possible. That we can create, as a collective humanity, something good out of our belief in the possible. The possibility for an end to limitation; an end to judgment; an end to the subjugation of one for the other; an end to prejudice and bigotry (I so very much want that, believe in that possibility, that reality).....Possibilities can only exist if we believe they exist..... If we Intend them to exist... I can believe in that. I can really get behind that kind of belief. I am telling you right now that this is a real possibility that we can create.I know this is true.
I believe that we can be big. I have a lot of hope invested in us, as a species, that we can all be great.
I don't know if I can take that for granted, but I intend to take that leap of Faith.
Bird.
Later: I can have all the Trust I want (or try) but that isn't going to stop Teddy the Bear from busting out of the dog run and going on walk-about when he feels like it..... That little rat-bag. He's just very lucky he's so cute! And I'm very lucky he always comes back... eventually. :)
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
June blooms, Bitch blues....
Flowers come up, finally, reluctantly, and we have intermittent sun which bravely burns off the fog between days of drizzle. Morning glory sprogs and other seedlings, both fleurs for pleasure and veggies for the garden are valiant as they sprout in their sheltered pots. I worry for them. The big world out there is not what they expect because its too damned cold.....What is this!? It should be hot and dry by now. This is a hot zone. A 'mediterranean-type' climate. Apparently... but these days it is a climate, a world, even, that one can only respond to with... "Huh!?
At least my new attempt at making a lawn where there was a gravel pit, formerly used as a car park is valiantly bursting into a riot of cheerful clover. Forget grass seeds. Clover is the way to go. It is hardy. You can throw anything at it and it likes it and spreads, looking fabulous.
We are reclaiming the gravel and creating green. We are planting dry rock garden loving things which are thriving, despite the rain ... a good time for them to set their roots in preparation for the annually anticipated drought, which right now is a mere laughable memory. And the rain comes down. As it happens, these days, a lot. I'm not complaining about that as such, just the cold. The stupid ('Hello, it's JUNE now in case any one noticed) cold. I wore a scarf today. Retarded.
I hate my job at the moment. There will be no raises this year, (the bastards) although I have taken on a large chunk of responsibility the last months. And I am doing well, working way WAY too hard, and am killing myself for...what!? A company beholden to its shareholders and arbitrary numbers....
A life where I come home exhausted, bitchy and have nothing left to give to my house, which is a disaster; or to my man ( I cant remember the last time we got laid) ; nor even anything to give to the poor dogs. The idea of taking them out for a run, rather than being a pleasure, has become one more duty that renders me tired beyond words. ...with the weight of having one more thing on the proverbial 'list'. Just one more thing... When I come home I am literally stunned, Pole-axed into a state of zombieism with the bombshell of my day, and I am not in my body. Don't know where I am, but I am not here. The stress has 'body-snatched' me away.
I have this sense of urgency, this pressure coming at me: Just one more.....Just one more thing to do. The Control that the infamous 'agenda' has over me which I feel Powerless to deal with when am spent and senseless with being peopled-out and feel the symptoms of 'burn-out' creeping closer every day. The 'just one more thing' factor is sending me screaming to the hills and putting me into a state of obnoxious, defensive negativity, on the one hand, and almost a state of catatonia on the other, as I become paralysed in the face of its relentlessness, which I cant even describe. I succumb to the pressure and go into 'head-in-sand' mode. Very little can get me out of that place once I am entrenched in it.
Its not good. It is just NOT GOOD.
I had a meltdown and lost my temper (for which I am suitably remorseful and ashamed of, but I can live with that.....) on Friday, berating the Paint department head for not taking care of her own freight which I have been doing for 9 months. ( 9 months is the time it takes a human embryo to gestate, the time it takes for one thing to become another,the time it takes for one reality to manifest a miracle and become something else...)
I guess the annoyance built up on top of actual resentment over that time took its toll. One expects a beginning and a middle and an end to things.; and like a birthing event, in all of its realness and raw glory, It's pain and anxiety, excitement and happiness, worry and thrill, and all of its 'Here we GO, this is what's happening', there is no room or time for bullshit here. Believe me, the birthing of anything worthwhile be it a baby, or a house or a piece of art, or the choice to embrace a new life-style, a new way, has a big 'shut up dont get in my way, this is happening NOW, like NOW !' and has a big ' lets get on with it factor' . Moreover, you are either on board or you are not, and if not, fuck off and dont waste the time of those who have WORK to do to facilitate and participate in creation. Be here now and be real and be a contributor, or piss off.
I bided my time and held my piece and was supportive, i.e. doing work which belonged to someone else ... out of KINDNESS, you should know. I'm not feeling so kind now nearly a year later but I'm feeling consequent. And Also I ended up feeling really bitchy. I finally spoke my truth, and truth be told it came out kind of hard, having months of pressure behind it....... I Lost it. It wasn't pretty.
I have my own work to do thank you. Thank you very F*****G much. I offered subtle reminders. Gentle requests to come on board and be a team were met with ambivalence. Clear requests were met with "I'm busy" (Okay, thank you so very much for being in the moment and for being honest with where you are but frankly, that ain't getting the job done. ) You're 'busy'. Right....HUH. Like that is special. Like that is something only you have a relationship with.
EEEEuuwgh!
The job everyone and their dog are doing FOR you which you should in fact be doing because,Hello, it is YOUR FUCKING JOB is not something your co-workers are inclined to do anymore. Never mind the broken leg, or the cataract surgery, or the bad back (its always something isn't it?) Never mind the relationship issues, Sympathy has poured like honey all over you and support has surrounded you for ages, Its enough already. You've milked it and the goodwill has run OUT . You say you are are busy. Yegads, its one of the busiest retail establishments on the island, if not the country being 100 years old and going strong because people CARE! If you don't, then Piss off and go away!
WE, whoop-dee-la-dee-fucking -da!!. We, your colleagues and co-workers have been ( believe it or not) very supportive of you and your issues and meanwhile, we have not BEEN sitting around with our thumbs up our arses for the very delightful thrill of it, we are busy too. We are all busting a gut with being BUSY whist you shirk and delegate, ignore and file your bloody nails, and that doesnt cut it, you RANCID COW!!:)
Directives from managers were repeatedly ignored and then I just snapped.
I don't need this shite. Working for a pittance with a stress level and a responsibility level that is frankly leveling me flat!
I need to be making money, which I am not. B REALLY wants me to help with his business which he is willing to PAY for (more that my shite hourly retail rate) and they don't want to let me cut my hours so I can do this!
I cant rant about it anymore or this will just degenerate into gutter cursing and hysteria.
Things things end are a bit intense and I could do with a few supportive thoughts and encouragement coming my way.
Retail is the Devil. Or one of them.
Meanwhile, to ad insult to injury, the weather sucks. Its cold and wet and Solstice approaches, when days will get shorter, and we haven't had a Spring, or even a taste of Summer so far.
Dolly, once again,has gone on walk about or something and has been missing for days.
Again.
I have an appointment with an ear nose and throat specialist on Thursday to figure out my sinus issue and to determine if my deviated septum will result in a holly-wood nose. Wish me luck. And:
Give me strength.
Bird. xoxox
At least my new attempt at making a lawn where there was a gravel pit, formerly used as a car park is valiantly bursting into a riot of cheerful clover. Forget grass seeds. Clover is the way to go. It is hardy. You can throw anything at it and it likes it and spreads, looking fabulous.
We are reclaiming the gravel and creating green. We are planting dry rock garden loving things which are thriving, despite the rain ... a good time for them to set their roots in preparation for the annually anticipated drought, which right now is a mere laughable memory. And the rain comes down. As it happens, these days, a lot. I'm not complaining about that as such, just the cold. The stupid ('Hello, it's JUNE now in case any one noticed) cold. I wore a scarf today. Retarded.
I hate my job at the moment. There will be no raises this year, (the bastards) although I have taken on a large chunk of responsibility the last months. And I am doing well, working way WAY too hard, and am killing myself for...what!? A company beholden to its shareholders and arbitrary numbers....
A life where I come home exhausted, bitchy and have nothing left to give to my house, which is a disaster; or to my man ( I cant remember the last time we got laid) ; nor even anything to give to the poor dogs. The idea of taking them out for a run, rather than being a pleasure, has become one more duty that renders me tired beyond words. ...with the weight of having one more thing on the proverbial 'list'. Just one more thing... When I come home I am literally stunned, Pole-axed into a state of zombieism with the bombshell of my day, and I am not in my body. Don't know where I am, but I am not here. The stress has 'body-snatched' me away.
I have this sense of urgency, this pressure coming at me: Just one more.....Just one more thing to do. The Control that the infamous 'agenda' has over me which I feel Powerless to deal with when am spent and senseless with being peopled-out and feel the symptoms of 'burn-out' creeping closer every day. The 'just one more thing' factor is sending me screaming to the hills and putting me into a state of obnoxious, defensive negativity, on the one hand, and almost a state of catatonia on the other, as I become paralysed in the face of its relentlessness, which I cant even describe. I succumb to the pressure and go into 'head-in-sand' mode. Very little can get me out of that place once I am entrenched in it.
Its not good. It is just NOT GOOD.
I had a meltdown and lost my temper (for which I am suitably remorseful and ashamed of, but I can live with that.....) on Friday, berating the Paint department head for not taking care of her own freight which I have been doing for 9 months. ( 9 months is the time it takes a human embryo to gestate, the time it takes for one thing to become another,the time it takes for one reality to manifest a miracle and become something else...)
I guess the annoyance built up on top of actual resentment over that time took its toll. One expects a beginning and a middle and an end to things.; and like a birthing event, in all of its realness and raw glory, It's pain and anxiety, excitement and happiness, worry and thrill, and all of its 'Here we GO, this is what's happening', there is no room or time for bullshit here. Believe me, the birthing of anything worthwhile be it a baby, or a house or a piece of art, or the choice to embrace a new life-style, a new way, has a big 'shut up dont get in my way, this is happening NOW, like NOW !' and has a big ' lets get on with it factor' . Moreover, you are either on board or you are not, and if not, fuck off and dont waste the time of those who have WORK to do to facilitate and participate in creation. Be here now and be real and be a contributor, or piss off.
I bided my time and held my piece and was supportive, i.e. doing work which belonged to someone else ... out of KINDNESS, you should know. I'm not feeling so kind now nearly a year later but I'm feeling consequent. And Also I ended up feeling really bitchy. I finally spoke my truth, and truth be told it came out kind of hard, having months of pressure behind it....... I Lost it. It wasn't pretty.
I have my own work to do thank you. Thank you very F*****G much. I offered subtle reminders. Gentle requests to come on board and be a team were met with ambivalence. Clear requests were met with "I'm busy" (Okay, thank you so very much for being in the moment and for being honest with where you are but frankly, that ain't getting the job done. ) You're 'busy'. Right....HUH. Like that is special. Like that is something only you have a relationship with.
EEEEuuwgh!
The job everyone and their dog are doing FOR you which you should in fact be doing because,Hello, it is YOUR FUCKING JOB is not something your co-workers are inclined to do anymore. Never mind the broken leg, or the cataract surgery, or the bad back (its always something isn't it?) Never mind the relationship issues, Sympathy has poured like honey all over you and support has surrounded you for ages, Its enough already. You've milked it and the goodwill has run OUT . You say you are are busy. Yegads, its one of the busiest retail establishments on the island, if not the country being 100 years old and going strong because people CARE! If you don't, then Piss off and go away!
WE, whoop-dee-la-dee-fucking -da!!. We, your colleagues and co-workers have been ( believe it or not) very supportive of you and your issues and meanwhile, we have not BEEN sitting around with our thumbs up our arses for the very delightful thrill of it, we are busy too. We are all busting a gut with being BUSY whist you shirk and delegate, ignore and file your bloody nails, and that doesnt cut it, you RANCID COW!!:)
Directives from managers were repeatedly ignored and then I just snapped.
I don't need this shite. Working for a pittance with a stress level and a responsibility level that is frankly leveling me flat!
I need to be making money, which I am not. B REALLY wants me to help with his business which he is willing to PAY for (more that my shite hourly retail rate) and they don't want to let me cut my hours so I can do this!
I cant rant about it anymore or this will just degenerate into gutter cursing and hysteria.
Things things end are a bit intense and I could do with a few supportive thoughts and encouragement coming my way.
Retail is the Devil. Or one of them.
Meanwhile, to ad insult to injury, the weather sucks. Its cold and wet and Solstice approaches, when days will get shorter, and we haven't had a Spring, or even a taste of Summer so far.
Dolly, once again,has gone on walk about or something and has been missing for days.
Again.
I have an appointment with an ear nose and throat specialist on Thursday to figure out my sinus issue and to determine if my deviated septum will result in a holly-wood nose. Wish me luck. And:
Give me strength.
Bird. xoxox
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