Baby Steps....

Havent written in a while. Dont know where to begin, or what to say so I'll just ramble off the top of my head, and if things end midstream, you'll understand that I am out of practice....

Not into any huge or monumental changes in terms of New Year's resolutions, mainly because I know from experience, and my own nature that trying to turn a leaf from one day to another simply doesnt work. The intent is there but the set-up for failure, when drastic measures are attempted, is huge. I do not want to do that anymore.

And I dont want to stalk the infertility blogs anymore either. I'm done with it. No kids. Okay, that's Life. Have cried most of the tears I think I can cry, have settled into my Life 'as it is', and I have a FABULOUS man, and many things to be so very grateful for, which I am. Moreover, actually, I realize, that I find children sometimes quite annoying. I'm getting too old, obviously, to think of parenthood now. So here I am, and I accept now what is.

Everyone wish me Mazeltov please. This is very large.

So it is about baby-steps, right? (No pun intended) Being present and mindful in the moment. Being aware and gentle with myself, as I am always reminding myself that change and healing never happened in an atmosphere of judgment. Not ever, not once. And I am so good at self- judgment....

Work is good. I am claiming a space for myself and just taking charge where I can and that seems to be going over well. Mostly I just love the hubbub and constant stream of people coming and going. I get to be as goofy and silly as I want. In short, back on the main floor, I can be myself. My job is to take their money and make them smile. A laugh is even better. I like what I do. I am good at what I do and mostly I know what I am talking about. It isn't getting me out of the poor house, but I have a few ideas brewing....

B is away during the week, off island on a big project but comes home weekends. This is a bit stressful, as one might imagine, with 4 dogs, 4 cats and a household to run while holding down a full time job. Who am I to complain? I have a job after all. And I have the beasties and B. But I am tired now, have been for ages, since B's back went out this summer.

I didn't tell you about that, did I? No, of course not because I haven't written in donkey's ages. B ruptured two discs and nearly had to have surgery this past summer, but we were relieved to learn from the neuro-surgeon that his progress was coming along, and that spelled well for his prognosis. He's almost back to normal now, although still has a bit of sluggishness in one leg, but little pain. Which is the main thing. His pain was terrible.

You should know that he didn't sleep for three weeks. Not more that 2 hours a night. I would have been stark raving mad, and would have been committed ( or much more likely would have first committed a very bad act, like homicide, for example) had I been in his shoes, but not him. No. Still, it took a toll on us and we are both recovering from it, emotionally and financially. I lost it a few times, just seeing him go thorough it, and I wasn't the one in excruciating agony.

Meanwhile, I've been laying low. Feeling insular and not wanting to blog. Just wanting to be here and now and quiet. Dealing with things in general. And trying to maintain a semblance of constancy and normalcy. A challenge at the best of times, being the unruly and undisciplined type I am and who the hell is 'normal' anyway?! No one I'd want for a friend, that's probably for sure. I like the eccentric. As I often say, 'I have an elliptical orbit' and I like others who do too!

And, speaking of not-normal, Mum was here for Christmas as usual and, all graces and mercies to be thanked, stayed with my brother for a change (its his bloody turn after 4 years of twice yearly visits, summers lasting four or more weeks at a time, thank you very fucking much) , so things weren't so difficult. Not for me anyway. My brother finally 'gets it'. Huh. Will wonders never cease?

My best friend's girl, my 'Goddess daughter', is expecting her first child. ( Yegads. ) She's going to be a wonderful mother! :) Cultural biases and societal norms aside, I really think that we have a biological mandate to mate and create off-spring early in life. We are physically designed that way. Looking at it from that perspective, I think 19 is actually a very excellent age to have one's first Babby..... :) In the next couple of days her latest ultrasound will tell us the gender of the baby. Once I know I'll begin working on a quilt. 16 years ago I made one for my Goddess daughter's third birthday, with the phases of the moon and horses running round the borders, flowers appliqued all over it, and stars stitched all throughout.. It is gorgeous. I brought it from Canada to England and it is still one of her most beloved possessions. Fitting that her child should have a quilt too now.....I hope it will last, as the first one did, from one generation to the next. Wow. That makes me think....What kind of a monumental, statement is that? I never thought I would have an impact on the connectedness or continuum from one generation to another, but it seems I am doing just that. That's utterly lovely, don't you think?

I have a new computer, which I got for Christmas. It has bells and whistles which wont ring or...well, whistle. ..and it wont speak to my email server neither. It wont recognize it's OWN serial number or Goddamned password, nor let me open applications I need, so other that my hotmail address, I cant receive my regular mail. How annoying is that ? Maddening even (might I say that is the understatement of the decade?! I have been tearing my hair out! However, one of the mac geniuses on the Island has agreed to help me. Really, I thought Macs didn't do this kind of thing.... probably I messed things up in the initial set-up. Technologically challenged person that I am. My old imac has just given up the ghost with alarming timing. As though it knew it was to be put out to pasture just as I tried to set up the new one beside it. I tried to boot the old one up to get at my mail, which was never a problem before, and it went all weird, the colours being strange too, the image trembling and wavery, and I thought, 'Oh my Gawd, it's gonna blow! " Unplugged it right quick!)

All things being equal, I may not have my health entirely, struggling with the usual winter bug, but things is more or less business as 'unusual' I.e: Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. Get use to it Christie. Roll with the punches. Count the numerous blessings: Kittens are wonderful. Cats are fab. Dogs are a joy and hale and hearty. B's well, and I am ultimately just fine.

I hope everyone is well, business as unusual being what it is especially at this time of year, and I wish you all Light, happiness and many Blessings in the coming year.

Love, Bird.

Please tell me I'm not a Fool, or Some Kind of Idiot.....

THIS is what made my heart go "Aaaah!" Gods, can you handle the cuteness? Its too soon to tell, but I think brother might be a 'Bullseye' Ginger, which is rare. It means he doesnt have the usual striping but has round, circular markings. Sister is So lovely and gentle, with a white belly and reminds me of Xena, with her black and orange brindle markings. Aren't they gorgeous?

This is what is making me happy, what is getting me excited about having new life in the house, new energy, and new creativity. THIS is what is getting me engaged in the process of creating and being here NOW in life, inspiring me and helping me shake off the last dregs of the winter, down-dragging blues.

I made a whole entirely new raised bed in the garden today, near the studio and close to where the gate will go eventually, and ringed it with stones in an almost spiral; sort of a circle which went inwards and then flared at the edge. That makes no sense of course but no matter because the point is that each stone was dug out by me, by HAND from the sand-box/gravel pit that pretends to be soil on this acre which is slowly but surely becoming beautiful. The reason for the new raised bed was to honour Muriel's potted plants, which have been languishing for two years, waiting to find a proper home where they can put down their roots. So I planted B's mum's two shrubberies, along with loads of other plants which I transplanted from here and there. It looks gorgeous. I'm stoked. I'm sure Muriel is pleased (even though I accidentally broke a piece off one of her her Christmas cactus plants the other week... Sorry M...)

I'm off the couch, feeling SO much better. Spent the whole day outside and am feeling really positive. Got a bit of sun on my face. I worked like a maniac and couldnt believe how much I got done. With all the digging and getting wheel barrows of dirt from the meadow below the woods, I did something weird to my Sacro Illiac, but I dont care! Its like I feel a new infusion of "YES, lets GO!" flowing through me. And it felt truly like Spring has not only arrived, but has had a fanfare of trumpets, with feather boas and sequined ta-ta's, to announce "Hello everybody, I'm AT the PARTY!"

I dont know why this is so important to me. It is symbolic maybe. Another Mother's Day has past without babies of my own body. This time of year, 18 years ago, I lost one of my 3 pregnancies.... This is an anniversary. Its a letting go and a way to be okay with that. This is a surrogate, for sure. And also here's a way to expand Life, caring, nurturing. Symbolic of me reconnecting with giving myself what I want and need, which I havent done for so, So long....I used to be so adamant about what I wanted. I've become a blanc-mange; but now things are shifting back to how they were, or even into something new, something better, at last. It feels really good.

B came with me to visit the 'twins' today. Their eyes have turned from blue to green in the last two days, which tells us they are about 6 weeks old. His comment: "Yup, they are really cute" was a bit quiet, but remember that he now has my cold, which I of course have got rid of. Hoping his enthusiasm levels will rise as the 'due date' gets closer. He is not very 'animated ' in general these days which I can well understand (who can blame him?) and have compassion for because I BLOODY WELL know how it feels ( for the last two plus months!)

Anyway, back to the kits. They have to gain some weight before they can be spayed and neutered. The local SPCA no longer lets any animal out of their care before they've been fixed, which I think is a good thing. They have to wait until the kits are at least 2 lbs before they will be strong enough to undergo surgery. So it will be a number of weeks yet before they come home. Did I mention that already? Oh probably. I'm so thrilled I'm babbling and repeating myself.

So today was a very good one.....

Until I spoke to my brother.

So, if you please, if you can, answer me this:

Why? WHY?!

Why do I always fall into the same trap of my own making? Why do I always attempt, despite the evidence and years of experience to trust my brother and tell him anything about my life, as though he might inquire about how I am, what's going on, why I am where I am and is that ok, or make some positive statement of any kind whatsoever? At. All.

I talked to him on the phone and told him about the kittens, though to be absolutely truthful I only actually mentioned one kitten, intuitively trying to protect myself from his reaction; trying to lessen the load which I sensed was going to come down on me. Intuitively knowing that to tell him would be a mistake...and I did it anyway, more fool me, ( MORE FOOL ME!) Wanting for him to be a part of our happy news news. Wanting him to hear joyfulness in my voice and share it and ...approve. (Why do I need his approval!?) Wanting him to ask if I missed Tashy, and do I feel that it must take two cats to fill the hole in my heart that she left when she went, BIG in my heart as she was. Or laugh and say, "you're mad" or, "you should have been born a farmer", or, "Yegads, I hope you got that vacuum cleaner replaced". Wanting him to be happy for me. Wanting him to understand that I cant fill my house with the pitter- patter of tiny feet other than the four footed kind, and wanting him to fucking GET THAT...Wanting him to know that I need this, and why. I so want him to understand who I am, but he doesnt, or wont. He doesnt want to. Doesnt care to. I just want him to be part of my life as it is, and be .... a part of my life. But he just doesnt want to....

Instead, no surprise, he levelled both barrels at me and let me have it, straight on and head on. So much judgement. So mean. So much criticism. I should have known. I did know.... Of course I knew but I tried anyway.

I was so hurt. I let him rant and then quietly said I had to go. Said goodbye, and rang off. Then I got a vicious, utterly brutal and completely rancid email from him telling me, among other things, that 'normal people' dont require so many pets, that 'normal people' might consider our number of animals 'adequate'. "That 'normal people' might find the the number of pets over the top, and suggested that the pet hair and dander might make 'normal people' not want to come to our house (well the hell with them, then, Goddammit!). That I've been sick so much lately because of my pets (?!?!) That I'm defensive and then (O.M.G!) he asked me if I'm bored with my other pets.... Jesus! Can you believe that? Oh sure, ask your friend next time she's on her second, or third, or whatever pregnancy... "Why are you having another...are you BORED with the first?" Please put on your 3-d glasses on right now and watch her rip your throat out in striking technicolour. Then, THEN, he said he was entitled to his opinion (huh, not wrong there, but I'm likewise entitled to mine) and accused me of hanging up on him. Hello! HELLO!!! I said I had to go. I SAID GOODBYE... in a polite voice even.

I'm gutted. Why dont I ever learn? Why do I bother? Why do I invite him in and let him HURT me. Again and again. It never changes....

He's been really very not nice to me... a lot, in my life. He's been the apple of my eye since he was born and he has resented me, hated me, humiliated me, rejected me, judged me, treated me like absolute shite, and befriended the very people (most certainly 'normal people') who have trampled over me and abused me....Why do I try to engage, and bother to share what's happening for me, what's important to me, what is really good and exciting in my life? Why do I want him to CARE?!

Probably because I'm not a 'normal person'.

More fool me. I should know better.

Fuck him.

These babies.... They are my Mother's Day present, thank you. Thank you very much. If you dont understand that, cant understand that....

Raining Dogs and Kittens...

This time I've completely lost my mind. Having heard, late last week that the local SPCA just took in two tiny kittens, I called, went by to get an application form, picked up two donation tins for the store tills, saw the babies, fell in love, had an argument with B who thinks two is excessive (and he's right) but I fell in love in the way I did with Zeus. In a weird, not being able to sleep, obsessing about it kind of way. I'm not sure that is healthy... Today I went by again to drop off the form and now there are three. Obviously I'm not that cracked up, but now I'm wracked with doubt about taking two.

My gods they are cute. It was the dark tortoise-shell, with the strawberry blond eyelashes who spoke to me, as her orange fuzz-ball brother was snoozing and I didnt want to wake him when I first saw them. Today they were all three awake and bopping around, using their liter box (good babies!) and generally being devastatingly adorable, even if they all needed a bath. I stroked and held each one. Little Ginger boy was the most affectionate, purring like a machine, his soot coloured sister the most aggressive and bold, and little turtle was gentle, soft and curious. She likes having her head rubbed in exactly the same way Tashy did. Their eyes are still blue. It will be a few weeks before they can come home.

What to do?

I've been depressed. I've been sick for a long time, not genuinely sick as in something to really be worried about but just ill off and on which has made me depressed. Am I looking for comfort to fill a hole in my life? I mean, seriously, who really needs 8 pets?

And yet the other side of the coin, as I try to sift through my feelings with a fine tooth laser is that I've been feeling less and less grief about not having children. I think I've let go. I'm in a place of acceptance. Or so I thought. Is this sudden desire to expand the menagerie a way of dealing with that? On the other other hand I feel a rightness when I feel into these kittens, and I can see them here, feel them here already. My doubt may spring from another financial commitment I am taking on for the next, potentially, two decades, but I am mindful of how small my world has become. How I dont expand. How I dont give myself what I need, and maybe, just maybe its time to do that. I havent had a baby in the house since Zeus was a puppy and that was 7 years ago. Old Tashy was the last time I had a tiny kitten.

I guess I do need a baby after all. What matter if he/she/they are four footed!

In other domestic news, B went off island and exchanged the super-duper vacuum cleaner. Lets hope this one works. We're going to need it!

Go on, comment! Tell me just how crazy I am.

Off to See the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz.....

Greetings fellow blogsters! Long time no write. I've been remiss, and have little time right now but am going to give you a quick update. Aren't you thrilled?

Its been a month of dragging my heels fighting a not-flu flu which migrated from body region to body region. Not sick enough to be sick and not well enough to be well. Exhaustion. One week I was intestinally challenged, the next week I was coughing all night with a weird dry cough that had nothing to do with congestion in my lungs. Post nasal drip sucks.( Oh, I'm just so hilarious.) Then I felt okay for a day or two and then I'd relapse. I wont bore you with all the gory details. Suffice it to say, after being ill for so long I might have expected my body to have shed a few pounds, as a slender silver lining, but no such luck. My appetite didn't get sick. It was voracious, my body demanding fuel to fight the lurgy.

A side effect was that I've been depressed. I don't think I've felt actual sadness, as such, but I've been a slob and a sloth, lethargic and unmotivated. Bursts of misdirected anger. Feelings of huge resistance to everything. The inner judge has been loud. All symptoms of depression (or adolescence, and we can have a dialogue about that if you like, so long as its funny...it might make a good conversation.)

Tomorrow we have an exciting plan. (I hear the song in my head, dippy and silly, "We're OFF to see the WIZARD..." I'm SO excited!) We are going off island to buy a vacuum cleaner. Now this might sound slightly mundane, if not in fact inane, but you have to put things in context. For one thing, we hardly ever leave the Island (why would we?!) And for another,my ancient (20 + years) vacuum has bit the proverbial dust, pun intended. The sound effects were amazing: Rhuuuur! Rhuuur! Rhuuur...ppppthththtthpt! Huuuuhghghghg. Ugh. Pthththtt. Nothing.....The smell was frightening. Charred plastic and slow roasted dust, marinated in worn out parts, or vice versa. Poor thing died a slow and choking death, over a matter of years to be sure, but the last few weeks it went downhill fast. A familiar story.... not unlike Vaudeville. With 2 cats and 4 dogs, all of whom shed like they invented it, the sheer amount of animal hair in my house could be woven and knitted quite literally into dog hair blankets that might warm the population of a middling sized community in the Himalayas, or Siberia, even. Cobwebs hang from the ceilings in waving swathes, quite rude, if you ask me... Dust bunnies the size of hyenas, with a similar malevolent presence gather like their proverbial pack in the corners of the hallways, the rooms, under the bed, behind the couches (dont for Godsakes look back there!) and they move softly too and fro in the breeze when a door opens, quite like a stalking predator. I worry that one (or the lot of them) will take it into their hairy heads to choke me in my sleep. Visions of being suffocated by a van sized dust bunny.. it sits on the end of the bed, watching me sleep, biding its time until it senses the right moment to strike.

Yegads! Move over Stephen King! :)

Tomorrow we'll go to Canadian Tire and get "The Shark" vacuum, which seems to be a Dyson knock-off. (I'm a big believer in knock off's these days. I got myself some pretty purple knock off Crock clogs the other day for 7 dollars. I call them my 'Crock offs'). This hoover is highly recommended for animal hair. I am sure I could write a testimonial and get myself my own very personal (and probaby embarassing) tv commercial. I just cant wait. Have you ever been excited about getting a cleaning implement? Its weird. Gross almost. Kind of surreal. And utterly uncharacteristic of me, but that only underscores the point of how desperate I am.

I cant even remember what a clean house looks or feels like. But I will know soon. Woo-hoo!

Meanwhile, the faux finishing goes well. The owner lost one of her little dogs to a car the other week and when I arrived on Tuesday, after having been away sick for so long, I brought her a dwarf red rose bush in Ruby's memory, and a card. As soon as she saw it her face crumpled and I just threw my arms around her. She cried. We both did. That was a fine little dog. She was. You cant understand what it feels like unless you have a dog. They live in your heart, you see, almost as deeply as a child, and when they go, a piece of your heart goes with them. Having your heart torn out hurts....You cant understand how people dont get it that when you experience a loss like that it is very real. I have a feeling that she hadnt gotten a lot of understanding lately for her sadness, and I just cried with her, knowing what I will one day feel when I lose my own dogs.

Meanwhile, the garden is waking up, but late. Things are filling out with green, but its still quite unseasonably cold and I worry about the crops and the bees. The fruit trees are all bursting into bloom and hardly anyone has seen a single solitary bee. Its been too cold and wet. I worry that the crops wont be pollinated before the blooms are blown to bits by the mercurial weather (WHY is Winter hanging on so hard this year?) and that our produce will be damned to an infertile season.

In other news, back to the off-island obsession, I have been scouring the SPCA's online photo galleries and have set my sights on a young boy cat. He is named Tommy and is 6 months old, orange and white with a look that says, "I am here!" and which makes you take notice. I'd like a very wee baby, frankly...oh, wait a minnit...What's that? You have something to say? You think I have too many animals and that I am certifiably, completely and unquestionably crazy?! Nuts to that. Huh, took you long enough to figure that out. And might I just ask, what is your point? All of the beasties are getting on, you know. The youngest, Dolly, is 5 and I'm hankering for a baby. Zeus was my last baby and he's seven. Its time, okay? Pushkin is 13 now and when he goes, Dolly will need to have a friend by her side. So we need to think about that.

I havent decided if Tommy is our cat or not, but my hidden agenda is to convince B to take a swing by the SPCA so we can have a looksee. Dont know yet if they are open on a Sunday. Or if B will be convinced. He says he'll come with me to the local SPCA on Tuesday, but I dont know that thewy have any kittens....

Meanwhile, B is taking the dogs to the ravine as I write and I have to get ready because we are going to Dad and Kathleen's for dinner. He's been ill and has walking pneumonia, which is rather a serious concern at his age ( he's 82 and kickes the ass out of any statistic you might care to throw out), so why he thinks hosting us is a good idea right now, I dont know. But he says he's much better since I brought him a basket of food and home-made chicken soup early in the week. Kathleen was away in Oregon and he wasnt eating. Gods, my heart nearly dropped out when I heard. And there's nothing worse than cooking for yourself when you feel like shit, is there? Anyway, Dad says he's on the mend and we'll have his famous pot-roast and chat and play crib, no doubt. A nice evening.

Thanks for listening. Its been a while since I vented and having your ears does me good. Hope all of you are well out there in blogland.

Love, Bird.

Briefly....

Its all good... or mostly anyways. Work is fine. I love people and am enjoying that part of the job. Work was deathly boring today, as it was inventory time and an outside company was brought in to do the slog-work. I twiddled my thumbs, preventing them from getting stuck up my arse, in between times of pleasant engagement with customers. gave the evil eye to one or two who looked not right, shifty, and they left forthwith. I give a good evil eye.

I have had a really good week. Great happy pills, these. What a difference two months can make.

Meanwhile, B's dad's 83rd B-day is arriving at an alarming rate. We've arranged a surprise for him on Saturday. Most of the famdamily will be here, unbeknownst to him - he thinks it is just me and B and him and Kathleen. But no. We will be at least 9 for dinner. Yikes. I will make a Brisket, and roast a bird. What am I saying? I am WORKING TOMORROW. Okay, I will marinate the brisket tonight, and B will get a bird tomorrow which Alan, who has cheffing experience, will help him with. The house is a disaster, but you know what? I don't care. (These pills are great!)

Anyway, there's no major drama to report. I am still not pregnant, nor will I ever be. I grieve. I shove it down and don't think about it, and then I obsess...I stalk the infertility blogs. Life is still marching on. And I am okay, although not getting laid...much.

So now that I've dropped that bomb, I'll exit stage left.....with the charm, elegance and grace I am so famous for (Sagittarius rising I.E. read, blunt, straightforward, bull in a china shop. Never mind...)

Dreaming of match-making.....

Recovering from another day off, during which I did a lot of not much. Chopped kindling, fought with the wood stove for a bit before it conceded that providing me with a glowing fire and preventing me from freezing to death in my own home was its actual purpose. Seems I've lost my fire starting touch. But in the end, I slew the beast, and made fire. I am Tom Hanks, Wilson.... see me roar!

So I didn't do the house cleaning blitz I intended to do, or the grouting of the bathroom floor which has been waiting for nigh-on two and 1/2 years (what's one more week?!) Neither the last window in the bedroom which is still naked and sans trim work. Nor the last of the trim work in the studio, which continues to be lonely, although I did transfer some boxes of broken crockery into it for future mosaic making. The list is endless. I had a lazy day. I sat on my butt a lot. Tidied the living room, did a few dishes, made the bed, and then thought: whatever. Tomorrow ... tomorrow I can do productive things before I go back to work on Wednesday. Meanwhile, lets see what Sam and Jason are up to on General Hospital..... :) Not to mention that oh-so-perfect Elizabeth.

I'm actually beginning to love my job. Have I mentioned this yet? Learning curve is sloping to a more gentle pitch. For the first time since moving to the Island, I feel as though I am part of the community. Right at the hub of it all. Everyone and their dog (or their dog's dog, in quite a few cases - and we love dogs, and give them treats) comes to our store, which sells everything from hardware, to boating supplies, linens, sporting equipment to paint, furniture to microwave ovens, plumbing and heating to pet supplies and electronics. A real old fashioned General Store. We sell almost everything and almost everyone comes in at some point or another. I am amazed by how many people I know, and how much the job is actually about people and making them happy. Which I love. If everyone who comes through my till leaves with a smile, I've done my job, and I'm happy. So far, I seem to be doing well at that.

The old me who used to teach, and who was great with people is coming back out of her shell. And I like her. She feels good in my skin, and is glad to be back. :) She is the one with confidence who flirts with everyone from the cradle to the grave. I have my favourites, and they know who they are, and if the occcasional nasty old drunkard comes through, or embittered cow who does nothing but complain, I say with and acerbic tone which only a descendant from Austrians can muster, "I'm sure they will be able to help you at the service desk....over THERE!" I.e, dont talk to me like that and piss off, thank you, and have a nice day....

The fellow who was giving me attitude and the cold shoulder the other day made a turn-around and showered me with Bonhomie the following day, going out of his way to be helpful and friendly. Strange man. I cant help but like him. I like most everyone, actually, and its all good.

We have more snow coming and for those of you in North America - on the east coast, and most of you in between - just put your fingers in your ears and say, "La-la-la-la...I cant hear you", for a bit while I whine. I left Ontario for a number of reasons, and winter was one of them. While we have a winter season which is so gentle as to be laughable to most of you, I am sure, I have been able to enjoy the snow we've had, because it tends to go away. Not so much this winter.

We have snow coming tonight, they say. And a wind storm. Enough already.

The good news is that my brother's ex, who has morphed into his 'best friend' (with benefits, and frankly, kids, I don't wanna know! Do they think this information makes things easier for me ?!?) and with whom, and her family, he spent his Christmas holiday, has come for a visit. He left right after Christmas and they did a Russian timing thing, her ancestors having come from the old country, and he's been back a week, and has asked her to come and stay for a while. Yay! I'm not going to make any wise-cracks like I did last time (like, "Oh, just get yourself with child, already, woman!" I was drunk). WHAT are they playing at? They obviously cant bear to be apart for long, cant seem to get on with their lives apart.... Ugh. I just wish they'd slip off and make me an auntie so we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief and start planning a wedding. Not that they'd allow that, they'd fight tooth and nail, probably for years, and by the time the child entered school, maybe they'd come round, the fact of the forgone conclusion being utterly lost on them.

A girl can dream, can she? Gods, I love them.. silly, obstreperous, stubborn, contrary children that they are. Don't they know that Love doesn't grow on trees?! Don't they know that if you find it, you nurture it, hang on to it, make it your first priority in life and make everything else curve around it so that is stays, protected and whole. Because it doesn't happen every day. A love like that. You cant take it for granted, ever. And speaking of which, just so you know, every morning I wake up, no matter how bad my life is, I have a bubble of happiness inside me when I hear B making coffee. I thank my lucky stars every single day of my life for having been blessed with this man, for having the Love we share. I am grateful every day. When I slip slowly from dreamland to wakefulness, I feel my chest expand, my heart open as I hear him puttering around, or feel him lying beside me, still heavy in sleep, his body a warm weight beside me, radiating heat as only a man's body does, inhaling his smell, that warm man smell of HIM, and that singular and unique sense of safe contentment washes over me, saying, 'we are here, together, and It Is Good'....Meanwhile, the cats begin to stir, making 'I want my breakfast" noises.....

That wonderful man, who tells me tonight, he's hilarious, that he's going to teach me to drive standard, in the dark, with snow clouds looming, on the way to dinner...right. Have I told you recently that he drives me nuts? And I love him. Impractical dreamer, who makes his impractical dreams a concrete reality. He makes me a person who tries to be a better person, and every now and then we, together, succeed. We're muddling through, we are, and it is okay.....



We are going over to my brother's for dinner tonight, in a hour, so I'd better finish this and get ready. I cant wait to see her.

I have loved her since she was in utero (this gets a bit strange...). I was actually the one who named her. Our families have been friends since I was a baby. Her older sister and I, who are of an age, shared a crib when we were tiny. And when the new baby was one the way, ten years later (my brother's 'best friend'), I was the one who suggested her name. We all grew up together, sort of like cousins, which makes their relationship oddly incestuous, in a way. It isn't that they were childhood sweethearts or anything. In fact, her sister and I did everything we could to keep them apart, seeing the sparks between them for years and thinking they'd be a disaster just waiting to happen. It was inevitable. Karmic. That was nearly 6 years ago.... and the rest is history as they say.

I cant wait to see them together. They are SO cute. They are so lovely as a couple I just want to smack them upside the head and tell them to get on with it, but they are working things through in their own way... And I have to work with what's right for them, no matter what I think. I just want them to be happy. I just want them to be happy and wish they could do that together. It could happen....

As I said....I can hope, and dream....

I will try soon to figure out how to post some photos of the dogs, with the DT's helpful hints.

Ninight, my Chickadees. Hope all's well with all of you.

Ruminations on Redemption

In my family, one of the problems is that we don't let things go. There is a lot of psycho-babble talk all the time, so called 'processing' (the family business) but the truth is that we cant seem to move forward without dragging the past along with us and tripping over it. Or flinging it into one another's faces. The concept of 'healing' is bandied about on a daily basis whilst the weapons of past destruction are primed, aimed with deadly accuracy at the target's most vulnerable spot, just waiting to be fired. And usually are. Sometimes the rockets go off spontaneously, without warning, surprising everyone. The ricochets can be deadly.

Okay, so it wasn't all bad. There were some good times. We laughed, we cried. But frankly, Scarlet, enough is enough.

The problem isn't entirely our own. Its cultural, and probably universal in family dynamics. As much as we know this we still act it out. Talk about it, and act it out again in a zillion different variations. From family, to nations, its the same story.

Why is it that we hold on to the past so hard, as if our present or our future couldn't live without it? Ego. Is that it? Identity? Who would I be if I let the past baggage, like the garbage that it is, simply go?! How would I be free to develop? I must be afraid of myself, of who I might be allowed to be, and of my potential or I would let all that crap go. What am I so afraid of? Does a me without that weight think she'd be worse off?!

I've been working on the concept of the 'process of becoming' for some time now. I watch myself encapsulate the good moments in my family's past, tie them up tightly and off they float, drifting, like bubbles, utterly unconnected to the day to day so that what creates the image of the whole, and is the basic thread through the continuum, really just goes from bad to bad. This doesn't work. At least that's what I used to do. And that's been the pattern in my family. We all do it. And it sucks.

I'm noticing how deeply entrenched the pattern of judgement and making the other wrong is in my family. Part of my character too, no doubt, as that is how I was raised. I hate that. I'm noticing how much I wish instead that the mere idea of allowing a person to just be who they are is such a challenge. Why cant we just accept, invite, allow and embrace?

I make mistakes. I know that. Everyone does. But in my family, the focus is so often on the negative. Mistakes, or the assumption that a person might be doing something another doesn't agree with, ergo it MUST me a mistake, will be judged. The smallest thing can become a spark to trigger an argument.The larger the transgression (decided by whom ever is in the most controlling mood at the time, and you can pick any little stupid thing, as an example, I'm sure you have a few of your own), the greater the judgement, and the smaller the possibility of being invited to have a relationship where compassion and acceptance has a place. Without compassion there is no possibility of being redeemed from error. We stay stuck in the place of mistakes and are forever damned by them. And guess what? There might not be any mistake at all! There can be judgement just BECAUSE!

When there is judgement, there can be no compassion. There is only judgement.

My mother had a hard life. She has a hard time not judging. I have to remind myself that she was very broken.With a compass so badly damaged, just how well could she have possibly done?! I know she did her best but my brother and I are still recovering, and living through the consequences. She gave what she could back then. Some of it was wonderful. She gives a lot now. I learned a lot of good from her. I also learned how to beat myself up. I learned from the best after all.

This year, this brand-spanking-new and shining year is taking on a shape already. And it looks like a place where compassion will play a much larger role. I hope so. I know I have to start with myself. Being kind to myself is the only way I will learn to pay it forward, back into my family, and disarm the defenses. Its going to be a big one...... this new leaf.

On a lighter note I read a funny quote I thought I'd leave you with:

"I'm having a difficult day... My inner child just threw up on my higher Power."

The good news: 1): Most of the stolen money was recovered.

2): Mum's gone.

3): I got my benefits and they should kick in soon. (Also am beginning to really like my job).

Happy New Year everyone! :)