Baby Steps....

Havent written in a while. Dont know where to begin, or what to say so I'll just ramble off the top of my head, and if things end midstream, you'll understand that I am out of practice....

Not into any huge or monumental changes in terms of New Year's resolutions, mainly because I know from experience, and my own nature that trying to turn a leaf from one day to another simply doesnt work. The intent is there but the set-up for failure, when drastic measures are attempted, is huge. I do not want to do that anymore.

And I dont want to stalk the infertility blogs anymore either. I'm done with it. No kids. Okay, that's Life. Have cried most of the tears I think I can cry, have settled into my Life 'as it is', and I have a FABULOUS man, and many things to be so very grateful for, which I am. Moreover, actually, I realize, that I find children sometimes quite annoying. I'm getting too old, obviously, to think of parenthood now. So here I am, and I accept now what is.

Everyone wish me Mazeltov please. This is very large.

So it is about baby-steps, right? (No pun intended) Being present and mindful in the moment. Being aware and gentle with myself, as I am always reminding myself that change and healing never happened in an atmosphere of judgment. Not ever, not once. And I am so good at self- judgment....

Work is good. I am claiming a space for myself and just taking charge where I can and that seems to be going over well. Mostly I just love the hubbub and constant stream of people coming and going. I get to be as goofy and silly as I want. In short, back on the main floor, I can be myself. My job is to take their money and make them smile. A laugh is even better. I like what I do. I am good at what I do and mostly I know what I am talking about. It isn't getting me out of the poor house, but I have a few ideas brewing....

B is away during the week, off island on a big project but comes home weekends. This is a bit stressful, as one might imagine, with 4 dogs, 4 cats and a household to run while holding down a full time job. Who am I to complain? I have a job after all. And I have the beasties and B. But I am tired now, have been for ages, since B's back went out this summer.

I didn't tell you about that, did I? No, of course not because I haven't written in donkey's ages. B ruptured two discs and nearly had to have surgery this past summer, but we were relieved to learn from the neuro-surgeon that his progress was coming along, and that spelled well for his prognosis. He's almost back to normal now, although still has a bit of sluggishness in one leg, but little pain. Which is the main thing. His pain was terrible.

You should know that he didn't sleep for three weeks. Not more that 2 hours a night. I would have been stark raving mad, and would have been committed ( or much more likely would have first committed a very bad act, like homicide, for example) had I been in his shoes, but not him. No. Still, it took a toll on us and we are both recovering from it, emotionally and financially. I lost it a few times, just seeing him go thorough it, and I wasn't the one in excruciating agony.

Meanwhile, I've been laying low. Feeling insular and not wanting to blog. Just wanting to be here and now and quiet. Dealing with things in general. And trying to maintain a semblance of constancy and normalcy. A challenge at the best of times, being the unruly and undisciplined type I am and who the hell is 'normal' anyway?! No one I'd want for a friend, that's probably for sure. I like the eccentric. As I often say, 'I have an elliptical orbit' and I like others who do too!

And, speaking of not-normal, Mum was here for Christmas as usual and, all graces and mercies to be thanked, stayed with my brother for a change (its his bloody turn after 4 years of twice yearly visits, summers lasting four or more weeks at a time, thank you very fucking much) , so things weren't so difficult. Not for me anyway. My brother finally 'gets it'. Huh. Will wonders never cease?

My best friend's girl, my 'Goddess daughter', is expecting her first child. ( Yegads. ) She's going to be a wonderful mother! :) Cultural biases and societal norms aside, I really think that we have a biological mandate to mate and create off-spring early in life. We are physically designed that way. Looking at it from that perspective, I think 19 is actually a very excellent age to have one's first Babby..... :) In the next couple of days her latest ultrasound will tell us the gender of the baby. Once I know I'll begin working on a quilt. 16 years ago I made one for my Goddess daughter's third birthday, with the phases of the moon and horses running round the borders, flowers appliqued all over it, and stars stitched all throughout.. It is gorgeous. I brought it from Canada to England and it is still one of her most beloved possessions. Fitting that her child should have a quilt too now.....I hope it will last, as the first one did, from one generation to the next. Wow. That makes me think....What kind of a monumental, statement is that? I never thought I would have an impact on the connectedness or continuum from one generation to another, but it seems I am doing just that. That's utterly lovely, don't you think?

I have a new computer, which I got for Christmas. It has bells and whistles which wont ring or...well, whistle. ..and it wont speak to my email server neither. It wont recognize it's OWN serial number or Goddamned password, nor let me open applications I need, so other that my hotmail address, I cant receive my regular mail. How annoying is that ? Maddening even (might I say that is the understatement of the decade?! I have been tearing my hair out! However, one of the mac geniuses on the Island has agreed to help me. Really, I thought Macs didn't do this kind of thing.... probably I messed things up in the initial set-up. Technologically challenged person that I am. My old imac has just given up the ghost with alarming timing. As though it knew it was to be put out to pasture just as I tried to set up the new one beside it. I tried to boot the old one up to get at my mail, which was never a problem before, and it went all weird, the colours being strange too, the image trembling and wavery, and I thought, 'Oh my Gawd, it's gonna blow! " Unplugged it right quick!)

All things being equal, I may not have my health entirely, struggling with the usual winter bug, but things is more or less business as 'unusual' I.e: Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. Get use to it Christie. Roll with the punches. Count the numerous blessings: Kittens are wonderful. Cats are fab. Dogs are a joy and hale and hearty. B's well, and I am ultimately just fine.

I hope everyone is well, business as unusual being what it is especially at this time of year, and I wish you all Light, happiness and many Blessings in the coming year.

Love, Bird.