Thursday, March 18, 2010

A Good Moment.... and a Good Thing....

Session with Shrink was very good. Suddenly, I found myself talking to a highly intelligent person. A VERY SMART PERSON. Hugely compassionate. And asking all the right questions, not all of which made me feel good. Which is ok. Uncomfortable, at times, but good, and okay. Real. It has been a long time since I had a conversation with someone who has insight and a desire to bring that awareness to light. Gently. Kindly. But with focus too. No wishy-washing.

Keenly aware; very on point. A good listener; he asked good questions about what I said, and made me THINK. I liked that. He had read my file and referred to it quite a lot which impressed me, because it was clear that he had spent time absorbing my information and he'd thought about it... and he knew his stuff! It was a very surprising thing to sit with someone and have feedback that reflected true understanding. He gets it.

It was good. Very good. Even though I cried a bit. I still have so many tears. And will have, for a long time to come. He was matter of fact about it all, while simultaneously being being genuinely empathetic. A rare combination. And I was reminded of a thing which I had forgotten: I have a brain. A good one. And I am not stupid. That was a nice thing to relearn. It was really good to be asked to THINK. And to be reminded that I am, in fact, intelligent.

Meanwhile... Puppy-lust continues. My new shrink did not make 'dont do it' noises. This surprised me.

I am not sure what to make of that...

The main thing is that I am actually feeling more stable. And that is a very good thing.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Puppy Lust...

I want a puppy. Very VERY badly.

I have four old dogs. They are easy and comfortable. They are fabulous, and very well trained, and (mostly) behave beautifully. They know the routine and are perfect. And I need another one like I need a hole in the head. It is clear that life circumstances have rendered me a bit deranged. But that isnt surprising, all things considered. My judgment is a bit impaired right now. I need support. I need you all to tell me that I am nuts in the extreme and to go away - run! Run far away! from these thoughts, NOW!

Getting another dog right now would be a stupid thing to do. It would be for all the wrong reasons. And yet in my heart of hearts, I know it is the only thing, THE ONLY THING, that will make me feel better in my heart. It will be the only balm that will comfort my loss. It is the only thing that will make me love life again, the only thing that will shake me out of this despair and depression, and go away from being in the depths of unhappiness and loss. I know it is. It is what I need, but is it a proper choice? A fair choice? A practical choice? A RESPONSIBLE thing to do right now? And frankly, can I afford it? No. No and no and no.

Reason over passion.... Reason over passion. Which is entirely NOT my nature. At all. I'm trying to be steady and mature. And that, if you know me at all, is hilarious. If you know me at all you will be convulsed with gales of laughter, rolling on the floor with fits of giggles at the thought of me being mature, making practical choices, and taking measure to think things through, and to think of cause and effect. I am laughing about it even as I write this, knowing myself as I do.

B and I are working things out. Baby steps (DONT say 'baby'!) It has been tough. I'm in my own world of grieving, and he's left out in the cold, pretty much, which has been hard for him on top of his own life stresses, which are big right now. Still, I have had the strength to lay down the law and explain that the last straw has been laid on the camels back. And he knows that. This time I have really had enough, and he's towing the line .... for now.

Gods know I'm not perfect. And he does put up with me.... For now, I'm taking the position that large decisions, and major life changes are something I should avoid. So working with status quo and protecting established comfort zones is a must. I just cant handle any more upheaval... as if a puppy would NOT be an upheaval (I SAID I am deranged...)

The other day one of the owners of a store adjacent to us came in with their new puppy. They already have two dogs (crazy with pets like me). A wee scruffalump chihuahua thing. With standing-up-on-end ears . Oh. My. Gods. They called him 'Radar', most appropriately. 4 months old. I almost died. The CUTENESS of him!

Meanwhile, I remind myself that getting a puppy is a major life decision. Dont do it. And still I am yearning..... All of our Dogs are old. 10. 11,11, and 12. They are in great form and healthy, but once they start to go, it will be a domino effect, and without any buffer, in the face of grieving for my brother, and my cat Pushkin, what shall I do? (Here's the compulsion speaking loudly over rational assessment. Give me strength!) If there were a sweet little puppy-person here, could I weather the losses with a grounding and an anchor to the here and now? Might there be a small answer to loss in focusing on life and renewal? Of being busy with happiness and puppy-love? Am I thinking ahead, or just borrowing trouble and trying to justify a life choice coming out of pure emotion? Well, probably. But the other side of the coin has all kind of of enticing arguments for it.....

B's not all bad. I tell him of my feelings. He said, and I quote, "Well I wouldnt have a shit-eating grin on my face if I came home and found that you'd got us a new puppy. But I'd get over it pretty quick. And I understand where that need is coming from". As I said, he's not all bad. He's lovely, actually, when he isnt going off the deep end himself.

I am known as 'the dog lady', and every one who comes to the store who has a dog brings it to me, to get treats and to confer about training, diet and general dog stuff. I love that. I love them all. It is the highlight of my day when a customer tells me that their dog dragged them into the store and they couldnt pass by without visiting me because the dog wouldnt let them. That's so lovely! And they tell me often that a new trick I taught their dog was a surprise to them, and now the dog is doing it all the time.

I crave a puppy. PLEASE tell me how bad a choice that would be right now. I'm telling myself (and B is too) to give it a year, but I dont know if I will last that long. Imagine how I felt today when a mother and her 4 gorgeous kids came in to the store: one of the kids holding a miniature pinscher ( a breed I dont even love). Then I'm holding 'Rosa' - she's 5 months old, and she looks exactly like a cinnamon coloured doberman in tiny version - a breed I DO love - and she's nestled into my shirt, offering me puppy kisses, and shortly thereafter, nodding off to sleep on my breast.

Yeah.

I'm not going to last a year. I know that for sure. Just help me last a little longer. Tell me all the reasons why getting a puppy right now is a very stupid idea (I know them all. Seriously. I just need some support here). Just help me stay steady and not succumb to puppy-lust! Not yet.

I know you are all on my side. I know you are supporting me. So tell me how bad a decision to make a space for puppy-love, and heart-healing with a new dog-person would be. Tell me all of the reasons you can think of why this would be a very stupid thing to do right now. Please!

On a high note, tonight's supper was fabulous and I do say so meself. I bought a halibut fillet for B and a salmon fillet for me. Soak fillets in a bowl for a few minutes in juice of lemon and lime. Dredge with whole grain all purpose flour, coat fillets in Dijon mustard, then roll fillets in and coat with the following mixture: finely chopped basil, parsley, lemon zest, lime zest, lots of freshly ground pepper, some salt, and bread crumbs. Lay into a pan of sizzling butter and cook each side quite quickly until browned. Accompany the fish with organic brown rice, julienne carrots, steamed broccoli and peas.

SO very, very yum! Easy. Relatively quick to prepare. Easy to make. And most importantly, extremely healthy.

Whilst you are thinking of my dilemma, and how to save me from puppy lust, I encourage you to try this meal. It is really really good! And tell me how it works out for you.

(No false modesty here. I am a very good cook. I love to cook. Alex and I have a long history, in fact, of cooking together, and making meals that should go down into the history of all-star team meals! We rocked. But honesty compels me to tell you that I am a crappy, no a seriously, completely and hopelessly, very abysmally and utter failure as a baker. I suck. We cant all be perfect all of the time.....)

Meanwhile, tomorrow I have my very first ever session with a genuine card-carry psychiatrist. My father is a therapist, my mother is a therapist, and my brother was a certified life-coach, and I've been in therapy for years, so as you can imagine, I am fairly familiar with the drill. The family business, as I often call it. Processing. Yuck. But I've never been to an actual shrink. This should be interesting. I'm not nervous... yet. At worst, it will be a nut-shell sharing of the recent events which have caused me to become so emotionally unhinged. At best, there will be a forum to discuss strategy to rebuld my life, and get some meds that will help with that. Wish me luck.....

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Enough... I Think this is Enough....

I dont know, am not sure entirely, but I think I'm done here.

OhGodohGod....OhGod!

Am at my wit's end and am tired of living in that place, of being insecure and of worrying. Of waiting, of hoping, of wanting to be held, to be met, to be listened to, to want to be heard, and to offer that in return; to be comforted, and to be supported. I am in a void of longing to be in partnership. It aint happening. And I think I've had enough.

It has been a rocky road with B, and I understand that he's been lonely, because I've been preoccupied with my family process, but I've had enough with the constant drinking, the absentness, the unconsciousness, and the general not-being there. I'm so fucking tired of it. Does anyone want a partner who is comatose most of the time? It got boring a long time ago. I've needed him, I've been needy lately and have been going through my own hell, as you know, so major life decisions should probably not be on the top of the agenda right now, were I a wise person. But I'm emotional. I'm not wise; I'm impetuous and I have a temper on me which doesnt look pretty when it lets loose. And I am bloody tired unto to death of making room for bullshit. Timing being what it is, delicacy and restraint, patience and acceptance, compassion and understanding have no place in my world right now. Either you are in my corner and are my friend, either you've got my back, 100%, or you are a drain on my energies, which I cant afford, in which case you can fuck right off.

I have nothing left. My brother was diagnosed with cancer. He died five months later. In the same week that he died, I had to put down my beloved 14 year old cat. I think I'm probably not the most loving or stable person to live with right now, but all things considered, I've been pretty good at trying to get on with things; I've been trying not to let my own process overshadow life in general. Never have I allowed my grief to manifest into unkindness toward another. I have a melt-down twice a week, generally, seems to be the pattern at the moment, but I'm not blaming anyone, I'm not angry at anyone, I dont act out in any way which might cause harm to anyone. I believe that I deserve a bit of support and some respect. Just maybe a little, for the sake of 7 years of companionship, and mutual life sharing. I dont think that is too bloody much to ask; do you!?

Brian is missing. Again. AGAIN. Goddammit. This is not a new behavior. He's very late and presumably drunk, passed out at a friend's somewhere.... It is nigh on 10pm. I'm so tired of this. Dont you think a normal person with respect for their partner would have checked in by now to give an update on the day, or night? To let one's apparent loved-one into the loop of what is going on, where one is and why!?

He cheated on me last summer. We were going through a very rough patch and I had told him then that I'd had enough. That I didnt want his crap anymore. So that gave him license, apparently, to get drunk enough not to care whom he fucked. We've (I've) tried to repair and recover from that.....

Becauee I found out my brother was dying and I wanted to preserve what was good in life, I wanted to make sure my priorities focussed on healing, on loving, on making sure that what matters in life was what I was putting my heart into.... I wanted to believe that love can heal everything and that trust can be rebuilt. Through all of that I couldnt bear to face another ending and another death. My brother. My relationship. I couldnt face the loss of both. I wanted to believe that love could heal all. Cancer, shitty relationships, past baggage... and we set a star to focus on, as a family, to believe in. But Brian never made the effort to go there....

He just got busy with his beer.

I wanted to believe that he was willing to change, because this was the biggest 'wake-up call' ever. Hello! Lets get with the program, and get with a healthy life-style, a healthy mind-set, a positive process!

And yet... nothing has changed....B is absent. Again. And as usual. How am I to know that he isnt doing it again? How am I to know he isnt cheating? This is the umpteenth time he's not checked in, he's not told me where he is, He's not called, he's not available on his new cell phone which I bought him for Christmas.....He's just NOT THERE. AS USUAL. Absent. Not available. NOT THERE.

I am tired unto the marrow of my bones with weariness with this bullshit. I dont need it at the best of times and in the worst time of my life, in the darkest hour of my worst nightmare come true, which is what I am living right now, he's just not there.

I think we are done here. Unless he's dead in a ditch ( which I am not sure I would mind terribly, right now) or has a very very good reason for not being at the end of the phone when I call, I think we are done here. This isnt good enough. I've been patient for 7 years. I have no energy left to do this.

Give me strength. Give me the strength to chuck him out. Please. Send me your support to make a break, at the most critically difficult time of my life. PLEASE! Please send me your good thoughts and support. Let me know that I will survive without him, and that I can go on alone. Alex is gone. Tashy is gone away. There is no one else to be with me. I am alone. How sad and pathetic is that? Very. I have to accept. To compromise my Self anymore will be my undoing. I shouldnt have to do that as a barter to be not alone in life, and yet fundamentally, still find myself acutely alone..... It isnt good enough.

I deserve a lot better. I know I do. I know I'm not perfect. I know I'm trouble, and I am difficult, who doesnt have baggage?! But I have never in 7 years, nor would I ever, do this to him. I have never treated him this way, been unavailable, been absent, been just gone... who knows where or with whom? He does it all the time.

This is a hard time. It seems that it is going to get even more challenging. I dont think I can do this relationship any longer..... All I want is loving kindness, to echo what I offer. All I want is an ear, to listen, to offer arms to embrace in mutual support, to be there and to have someone be there for me..... Is that too much to ask? All I want is stability, and security, which is what I offer and want to co-create. I feel like our home is a hotel which B passes in and out of at his convenience....

I dont think that is good enough. No. It isnt good enough.

Oh Gods... can it get worse?

This is just so crappy. Shitlemerde.