Puppy Lust...

I want a puppy. Very VERY badly.

I have four old dogs. They are easy and comfortable. They are fabulous, and very well trained, and (mostly) behave beautifully. They know the routine and are perfect. And I need another one like I need a hole in the head. It is clear that life circumstances have rendered me a bit deranged. But that isnt surprising, all things considered. My judgment is a bit impaired right now. I need support. I need you all to tell me that I am nuts in the extreme and to go away - run! Run far away! from these thoughts, NOW!

Getting another dog right now would be a stupid thing to do. It would be for all the wrong reasons. And yet in my heart of hearts, I know it is the only thing, THE ONLY THING, that will make me feel better in my heart. It will be the only balm that will comfort my loss. It is the only thing that will make me love life again, the only thing that will shake me out of this despair and depression, and go away from being in the depths of unhappiness and loss. I know it is. It is what I need, but is it a proper choice? A fair choice? A practical choice? A RESPONSIBLE thing to do right now? And frankly, can I afford it? No. No and no and no.

Reason over passion.... Reason over passion. Which is entirely NOT my nature. At all. I'm trying to be steady and mature. And that, if you know me at all, is hilarious. If you know me at all you will be convulsed with gales of laughter, rolling on the floor with fits of giggles at the thought of me being mature, making practical choices, and taking measure to think things through, and to think of cause and effect. I am laughing about it even as I write this, knowing myself as I do.

B and I are working things out. Baby steps (DONT say 'baby'!) It has been tough. I'm in my own world of grieving, and he's left out in the cold, pretty much, which has been hard for him on top of his own life stresses, which are big right now. Still, I have had the strength to lay down the law and explain that the last straw has been laid on the camels back. And he knows that. This time I have really had enough, and he's towing the line .... for now.

Gods know I'm not perfect. And he does put up with me.... For now, I'm taking the position that large decisions, and major life changes are something I should avoid. So working with status quo and protecting established comfort zones is a must. I just cant handle any more upheaval... as if a puppy would NOT be an upheaval (I SAID I am deranged...)

The other day one of the owners of a store adjacent to us came in with their new puppy. They already have two dogs (crazy with pets like me). A wee scruffalump chihuahua thing. With standing-up-on-end ears . Oh. My. Gods. They called him 'Radar', most appropriately. 4 months old. I almost died. The CUTENESS of him!

Meanwhile, I remind myself that getting a puppy is a major life decision. Dont do it. And still I am yearning..... All of our Dogs are old. 10. 11,11, and 12. They are in great form and healthy, but once they start to go, it will be a domino effect, and without any buffer, in the face of grieving for my brother, and my cat Pushkin, what shall I do? (Here's the compulsion speaking loudly over rational assessment. Give me strength!) If there were a sweet little puppy-person here, could I weather the losses with a grounding and an anchor to the here and now? Might there be a small answer to loss in focusing on life and renewal? Of being busy with happiness and puppy-love? Am I thinking ahead, or just borrowing trouble and trying to justify a life choice coming out of pure emotion? Well, probably. But the other side of the coin has all kind of of enticing arguments for it.....

B's not all bad. I tell him of my feelings. He said, and I quote, "Well I wouldnt have a shit-eating grin on my face if I came home and found that you'd got us a new puppy. But I'd get over it pretty quick. And I understand where that need is coming from". As I said, he's not all bad. He's lovely, actually, when he isnt going off the deep end himself.

I am known as 'the dog lady', and every one who comes to the store who has a dog brings it to me, to get treats and to confer about training, diet and general dog stuff. I love that. I love them all. It is the highlight of my day when a customer tells me that their dog dragged them into the store and they couldnt pass by without visiting me because the dog wouldnt let them. That's so lovely! And they tell me often that a new trick I taught their dog was a surprise to them, and now the dog is doing it all the time.

I crave a puppy. PLEASE tell me how bad a choice that would be right now. I'm telling myself (and B is too) to give it a year, but I dont know if I will last that long. Imagine how I felt today when a mother and her 4 gorgeous kids came in to the store: one of the kids holding a miniature pinscher ( a breed I dont even love). Then I'm holding 'Rosa' - she's 5 months old, and she looks exactly like a cinnamon coloured doberman in tiny version - a breed I DO love - and she's nestled into my shirt, offering me puppy kisses, and shortly thereafter, nodding off to sleep on my breast.

Yeah.

I'm not going to last a year. I know that for sure. Just help me last a little longer. Tell me all the reasons why getting a puppy right now is a very stupid idea (I know them all. Seriously. I just need some support here). Just help me stay steady and not succumb to puppy-lust! Not yet.

I know you are all on my side. I know you are supporting me. So tell me how bad a decision to make a space for puppy-love, and heart-healing with a new dog-person would be. Tell me all of the reasons you can think of why this would be a very stupid thing to do right now. Please!

On a high note, tonight's supper was fabulous and I do say so meself. I bought a halibut fillet for B and a salmon fillet for me. Soak fillets in a bowl for a few minutes in juice of lemon and lime. Dredge with whole grain all purpose flour, coat fillets in Dijon mustard, then roll fillets in and coat with the following mixture: finely chopped basil, parsley, lemon zest, lime zest, lots of freshly ground pepper, some salt, and bread crumbs. Lay into a pan of sizzling butter and cook each side quite quickly until browned. Accompany the fish with organic brown rice, julienne carrots, steamed broccoli and peas.

SO very, very yum! Easy. Relatively quick to prepare. Easy to make. And most importantly, extremely healthy.

Whilst you are thinking of my dilemma, and how to save me from puppy lust, I encourage you to try this meal. It is really really good! And tell me how it works out for you.

(No false modesty here. I am a very good cook. I love to cook. Alex and I have a long history, in fact, of cooking together, and making meals that should go down into the history of all-star team meals! We rocked. But honesty compels me to tell you that I am a crappy, no a seriously, completely and hopelessly, very abysmally and utter failure as a baker. I suck. We cant all be perfect all of the time.....)

Meanwhile, tomorrow I have my very first ever session with a genuine card-carry psychiatrist. My father is a therapist, my mother is a therapist, and my brother was a certified life-coach, and I've been in therapy for years, so as you can imagine, I am fairly familiar with the drill. The family business, as I often call it. Processing. Yuck. But I've never been to an actual shrink. This should be interesting. I'm not nervous... yet. At worst, it will be a nut-shell sharing of the recent events which have caused me to become so emotionally unhinged. At best, there will be a forum to discuss strategy to rebuld my life, and get some meds that will help with that. Wish me luck.....