June blooms, Bitch blues....

Flowers come up, finally, reluctantly, and we have intermittent sun which bravely burns off the fog between days of drizzle. Morning glory sprogs and other seedlings, both fleurs for pleasure and veggies for the garden are valiant as they sprout in their sheltered pots. I worry for them. The big world out there is not what they expect because its too damned cold.....What is this!? It should be hot and dry by now. This is a hot zone. A 'mediterranean-type' climate. Apparently... but these days it is a climate, a world, even, that one can only respond to with... "Huh!?

At least my new attempt at making a lawn where there was a gravel pit, formerly used as a car park is valiantly bursting into a riot of cheerful clover. Forget grass seeds. Clover is the way to go. It is hardy. You can throw anything at it and it likes it and spreads, looking fabulous.

We are reclaiming the gravel and creating green. We are planting dry rock garden loving things which are thriving, despite the rain ... a good time for them to set their roots in preparation for the annually anticipated drought, which right now is a mere laughable memory. And the rain comes down. As it happens, these days, a lot. I'm not complaining about that as such, just the cold. The stupid ('Hello, it's JUNE now in case any one noticed) cold. I wore a scarf today. Retarded.

I hate my job at the moment. There will be no raises this year, (the bastards) although I have taken on a large chunk of responsibility the last months. And I am doing well, working way WAY too hard, and am killing myself for...what!? A company beholden to its shareholders and arbitrary numbers....

A life where I come home exhausted, bitchy and have nothing left to give to my house, which is a disaster; or to my man ( I cant remember the last time we got laid) ; nor even anything to give to the poor dogs. The idea of taking them out for a run, rather than being a pleasure, has become one more duty that renders me tired beyond words. ...with the weight of having one more thing on the proverbial 'list'. Just one more thing... When I come home I am literally stunned, Pole-axed into a state of zombieism with the bombshell of my day, and I am not in my body. Don't know where I am, but I am not here. The stress has 'body-snatched' me away.

I have this sense of urgency, this pressure coming at me: Just one more.....Just one more thing to do. The Control that the infamous 'agenda' has over me which I feel Powerless to deal with when am spent and senseless with being peopled-out and feel the symptoms of 'burn-out' creeping closer every day. The 'just one more thing' factor is sending me screaming to the hills and putting me into a state of obnoxious, defensive negativity, on the one hand, and almost a state of catatonia on the other, as I become paralysed in the face of its relentlessness, which I cant even describe. I succumb to the pressure and go into 'head-in-sand' mode. Very little can get me out of that place once I am entrenched in it.

Its not good. It is just NOT GOOD.

I had a meltdown and lost my temper (for which I am suitably remorseful and ashamed of, but I can live with that.....) on Friday, berating the Paint department head for not taking care of her own freight which I have been doing for 9 months. ( 9 months is the time it takes a human embryo to gestate, the time it takes for one thing to become another,the time it takes for one reality to manifest a miracle and become something else...)

I guess the annoyance built up on top of actual resentment over that time took its toll. One expects a beginning and a middle and an end to things.; and like a birthing event, in all of its realness and raw glory, It's pain and anxiety, excitement and happiness, worry and thrill, and all of its 'Here we GO, this is what's happening', there is no room or time for bullshit here. Believe me, the birthing of anything worthwhile be it a baby, or a house or a piece of art, or the choice to embrace a new life-style, a new way, has a big 'shut up dont get in my way, this is happening NOW, like NOW !' and has a big ' lets get on with it factor' . Moreover, you are either on board or you are not, and if not, fuck off and dont waste the time of those who have WORK to do to facilitate and participate in creation. Be here now and be real and be a contributor, or piss off.

I bided my time and held my piece and was supportive, i.e. doing work which belonged to someone else ... out of KINDNESS, you should know. I'm not feeling so kind now nearly a year later but I'm feeling consequent. And Also I ended up feeling really bitchy. I finally spoke my truth, and truth be told it came out kind of hard, having months of pressure behind it....... I Lost it. It wasn't pretty.

I have my own work to do thank you. Thank you very F*****G much. I offered subtle reminders. Gentle requests to come on board and be a team were met with ambivalence. Clear requests were met with "I'm busy" (Okay, thank you so very much for being in the moment and for being honest with where you are but frankly, that ain't getting the job done. ) You're 'busy'. Right....HUH. Like that is special. Like that is something only you have a relationship with.

EEEEuuwgh!

The job everyone and their dog are doing FOR you which you should in fact be doing because,Hello, it is YOUR FUCKING JOB is not something your co-workers are inclined to do anymore. Never mind the broken leg, or the cataract surgery, or the bad back (its always something isn't it?) Never mind the relationship issues, Sympathy has poured like honey all over you and support has surrounded you for ages, Its enough already. You've milked it and the goodwill has run OUT . You say you are are busy. Yegads, its one of the busiest retail establishments on the island, if not the country being 100 years old and going strong because people CARE! If you don't, then Piss off and go away!

WE, whoop-dee-la-dee-fucking -da!!. We, your colleagues and co-workers have been ( believe it or not) very supportive of you and your issues and meanwhile, we have not BEEN sitting around with our thumbs up our arses for the very delightful thrill of it, we are busy too. We are all busting a gut with being BUSY whist you shirk and delegate, ignore and file your bloody nails, and that doesnt cut it, you RANCID COW!!:)

Directives from managers were repeatedly ignored and then I just snapped.

I don't need this shite. Working for a pittance with a stress level and a responsibility level that is frankly leveling me flat!

I need to be making money, which I am not. B REALLY wants me to help with his business which he is willing to PAY for (more that my shite hourly retail rate) and they don't want to let me cut my hours so I can do this!

I cant rant about it anymore or this will just degenerate into gutter cursing and hysteria.

Things things end are a bit intense and I could do with a few supportive thoughts and encouragement coming my way.

Retail is the Devil. Or one of them.

Meanwhile, to ad insult to injury, the weather sucks. Its cold and wet and Solstice approaches, when days will get shorter, and we haven't had a Spring, or even a taste of Summer so far.

Dolly, once again,has gone on walk about or something and has been missing for days.

Again.

I have an appointment with an ear nose and throat specialist on Thursday to figure out my sinus issue and to determine if my deviated septum will result in a holly-wood nose. Wish me luck. And:

Give me strength.

Bird. xoxox