Now What?

I've been thinking of the recent horrific tragedy in Burma.

It is terrible. I feel helpless. I feel gutted......Not since the Tsunami have I felt so strongly that my heart has been wrenched and battered by the loss of human life...... Not since then have I felt so useless to make a difference . I dont know what to do. So typically, I turn inward and reflective (otherwise known as self absorbed)....

I'm sitting in my little office with the huge long window, as the sun dips below the trees and the shadows get long, while a few children play below in the yard of my downstairs neighbour who is hosting a pot luck dinner. I'm invited. I'm not going though because I am so 'peopled out' by my own job. I love my neighbour. I've known her since I began visiting the Island, before I moved here, and she is the closest friend I have here. Raised in Toronto, from Jamaica originally, she gives me the ethnic juice I need and miss, which is so lacking in this 'white-bread' place.....We have a lot in common. She is lovely and wonderful with an enchanting daughter, whom I love to pieces and would lay my life down for, and who is about to have her 9th birthday. She understands that there is enough on my plate, and doesnt begrudge me that I dont want to spend time with anyone but my own space right now - my time is precious, and B and my animals (all 8 of them... 4 dogs and 4 cats) have been feeling the lack of my attention. I'VE been feeling the lack of my attention . But its nice to hear music and the laughter of children near by. I can live that vicariously for the moment even, and especially, if that moment is in the background. And that's where it needs to be. So I can be glad of a gentle space in which I can rest without any agenda other than writing, and later, maybe flopping out on the couch in front of the tv, or just going, dead tired, to bed. I've been so exhausted lately that I just fall down and sleep like a stone.

At my regular gig, at the 'Home Hardware' store, which is actually a one hundred year old, real and actual old fashioned general store, like in the old days and quite famous for it (we sell everything, and I love it there) life is busy. I've gone from department to department, learning all the different things that make each department tick, ending up (returning to) the paint till for the last 8 months, where I am equipped to help and advise with paint and tiling questions. And whatnot. Having had some experience (huh!) in the last 20 years in commercial painting, tiling and whatnot, not to mention landscaping and horticulture, art conservation, art gallery curating, and custom framing; general construction, stained glass(for 20 years and teaching thereof as well as mosaics) and etcetera. We are all Jacks, or Jaqcuelines of all trades in the adventure of trying to make a living on tis Island. My story is hardly unique. .

At my regular job, I've done something a little bit daring, which is to take on , by choice and unasked for, the responsibility of sorting out 1/2 of the main floor, which includes camping, toys, laundry, storage, paint etc, etc., and now I'm building a crafts and art department. And that's a good thing! I have the support of my managers for it, and they've been really great. Somehow, I got fed up with standing around with my thumb up my arse and decided to DO something, so I just took charge and claimed the space. My managers have been lovely, really supportive. I'm grateful to them for that. They are awesome people.

I make lists of what sells and what doesnt, what we need and what should go in the garbage. I tell them what people are asking for and what we should offer. They seem to appreciate that. I've put a lot into it and its drained me. Its taken the guts out of me..... Because I've given more than I've got back; the pay is shite. Really shamefully SHITE. The benefits are pretty good but benefits dont pay the mortgage, you know?

I do all the window displays, with furniture or whatever is being featured, and turn them into big fantasy stage sets. Currently we have 'dinner in the gazebo' with a wicker wonderland table setting, and mosquito nets, about six of them draping down elegantly, with green jungle foliage strategically placed; green and black patio table ware, delicious and utterly bohemian black and gold elephant candle sticks with lime green candles. Floral Spring things with a splash of daring red. Very yummy. Its a part of the job that I like a lot. The drama queen in me gets free rein. But it hardly pays.

I deserve more.

I DESERVE MORE !!!

Yes I do.

Last Christmas I/ we won the 'most creative window' display. It was a bathroom display..... a collaborative effort in truth, and my managers and I had a lot of fun with it. It must be said that I was merely the 'cake decorator'. But I put a bit into the general concept which the three of us concocted. ( Did I mention this already?) We had a small tree and the usual Christmas decorations and green and red going on. I sculpted a Santa head and feet with plasticine... we put a beard and hat on him, and spectacles, filled the bathtub in which he was lounging after his long Christmas working night with big bubble wrap to indicate bubbles, flung the Santa suit and boots on the floor (and left the toilet seat up!) whilst a martini glass rested, dangerously tilted, in his hands. ..... and got a picture of the display (and me, I was horrified to have to pose) in the local paper.

The nose was beautiful... Just a tiny bit Cherubic and yet Patrician at the same time. Almost Aquiline, but friendly enough to be, well.... friendly. Like you'd assume Santa's nose would be! And the feet were life like, and the toes peeked out endearingly through the 'bubbles of the bath' complete with toe nails carves into the plasticine....It was great for a number of weeks.....until the plasticine dried out and the toes began to fall apart and Santa, it must be said, developed a serious case of leprosy!

Huh.

Meanwhile, back to the here and now, after the long slog: Rest. This is much needed. Its been a long haul. I've been pushing too hard for a long time and have been very ill quite a lot of the past winter as a result of my pushing. I had to go to the hospital at one point for oxygen and an anti-inflammatory/ bronchial dilator/ inhalation. (Two rounds of antibiotics which I dont believe in and loathe. and seriously dont recommend.) It was scary. I couldn't breathe. My lungs went into spasm. Yuk. I thought I was going to die. I'm still coughing.

The dreaded flu which goes and comes back, to go and come back again, and yet again... According to the local Hospital, it's been the worst out-break in 9 years. I think I got every bug in triplicate that was going around.

Not good.

Partly, it has transpired, the deviated septum and past multiple breaks in my nose: Horse back riding... jumps refused, nose meets neck of horse... volley ball meets face, Brick wall meets face, dog doesnt want her claws cut today and throws back her bony head into my schnoggin, I.e Dog head meets face.....etc. might be contributing to the sinus issue, because they arent draining properly. It turns out, after having an ex-ray, that apparently I have some weirdness happening and I have an appointment with an ear nose and throat specialist the first week of June. If I get a 'Hollywood nose' out of the situation.... I wont be sorry:)

I have some time off right now, a week, during which I am doing a small but plumb job of faux finish painting for some long standing and special clients.

A 'working holiday' which could suck, but its actually fun, creative and satisfying and wont take up all of my time off and is a good thing in terms of income when retail drudgery becomes a hopelessness in the face of relentlessness. ( It wont sustain you no matter how much you give.... I tell you three times)

I'll have some time to focus on the things that have been allowed to slide badly, like everything single thing in the house, and some garden time too. I've started my first seeds but have a load still to plant.

Stained glass is leaving me cold and I am itching to get back to my first love which as you know is painting. The studio and I are making friends very slowly.... all things come in their own good time.

B and I are doing well with a few hiccups along the way and a few stark realities that need to be addressed. Its called growing up, I think. We were planning to get married this summer, but I panicked, realizing that I want a number of things to be sorted before I take that plunge again. I dont want to make the same mistakes I made last time.... and have to look at what I perpetuate in terms of negative patterns. ( I waffle. One day I think marriage is a good idea, the next day I think, "I've been there and done that, why do it again? It isnt like we are going to have children'.... ) And then I think of my own reticence when it comes to commitment and intimacy. My walls are big, my attachment to distractions take away from being HERE NOW ...and feel that I need to move through that barrier...... Some days it looks like it should become one thing, and other days it looks like something else. Its all about the process of becoming, isnt it? Becoming a grounded and balanced adult human being. Gods that sounds so serious! And it is such hard work. Cant I just coast along, please and not look at the big stuff?! Cant I go along with your idea and and rely on you to 'take care of things'? Puh-leeze? YOU do it! For me.. OKay ?

Huh. NO .

OBVIOUSLY NOT. ( Grow UP Christie). We have to work at it. (Ugh, work yeughch!) The stuff of life that determines direction, and ultimately, outcome?! We have to make it happen. That requires work. PUTTING OUR SHOULDERS TO THE WHEEL AND FIGURING OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A HUMAN BEING WITH GOALS.....Ugh! YUK. It sounds so disciplined, so European, so militant.... I'm not ready to be a formal and dogmatic adult. With rules and a regimental schedule for life.... (Gag me! ...find me a bridge to leap off of!)

I'm so immature.

Anyway....Next summer is soon enough to be all grown up. I want the foundation we lay to be very solid and clean. Not that things havent been solid ( everyone has their ups and downs and we've had some life-in-general factors which have come at us fast and hard the last few years) , but I want us to be more organized as a couple... be more of a couple which is something I've never learned. I've never had a joint bank account with a partner, for example, or had a house-hold budget or a plan for savings. These are things that need to happen so we can be more of a team and I know we will manage to learn them. I have a lot of faith in us, and so does B. I'm lucky. We are lucky. It isnt everyone who gets a second chance at a genuine and deep love. Twice in a lifetime. I've got that and I feel very blessed. B is a good man. He's amazing. We are both lucky to have one another. And we both know it.

I am/ we are busy with the process of becoming. Trying to be more conscious of the process.

Knowing that is enough.