I've been sick lately... for a long time. I dont feel like doing anything. Dont feel like writing much. Dont feel like working, and have made myself go into the garden and get some stuff done, which is finally making me feel better. It looks pretty.
Finally gave in and went to the doctor 2 weeks ago, who said I have a systemic infection (ears, lungs, digestive tract, throat, sinuses....Eew); put me on antibiotics (which I loathe, but hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do) after my not-flu flu went insane and tried to kill me. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but seriously folks, 8 weeks is just too much. I got things under control just before the bronchitis turned into pneumonia, and was ordered off work for 5 days. The silver lining. I got to sit around and watch soaps whilst I ate metaphoric bon-bons. I slept a lot. Doctor's orders. Who am I to argue with a diagnosis of, "You've been pushing too hard and not taking care of yourself, you nit-wit, and now you have to sit on your arse and be good to yourslf with rest".
Seriously, Dr. Wonderful would never say that. He's the soul of compassion and thoroughness with just the right amount of information (a lot without actually pontificating in latin), and frankly, I adore him.
Meanwhile, I am on the horns of a dilemma. Back at work now, I'm finding my Spirits somewhat dampened by the constant sick and tired, I'm faced with making shite pay for retail slave labour, and alternatively, pushing like crazy at the plumb job I have with faux finishing, which wont be endless, so, in other words, I have a decision to make. Do I splash out and cut my hours at the retail facory and try to beat the bushes and drum up more work which actually respects my skills and pays me for them, or do I stay safe, and make crap pay, trying to do BOTH and thereby exhaust myself? Seems like a no-brainer, right? Not so easy....But I have to start thinking of me. I cant bloody afford to work there, truth be told. I got a small raise, but slave wages are still slave wages.
I feel guilty, isnt that silly? For being sick and letting things slide, so to make up for it I've been jumping back in with both feet every time I feel better, and working 6 to 7 days a week. No wonder I kept relapsing. Self inflicted wounds do not get a sympathy vote. Huh.
But here's the thing: I do not know how to say no. I worked an extra shift yesterday, when I was tired out and needed to rest, as a favour to a co-worker who was moving. Today I agreed to go to a dinner for another co-worker who is leaving. And I just dont wanna. I'm tired, dammit. I think I'll go to the company do, and then beg off for the drinks and dinner thing. I just dont have it in me.
What I need is a holiday. Its been about 7 years since I had one. I'm bone weary, and feel like I have CFS again.
Pah! If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all... now you know why I havent been writing much lately. I hate sounding like a misery....
Count all the "dont's " and "haven't's " in this post. Disgusting! Little Miss negative.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Monday, April 30, 2007
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Ennuie..... But Ultimately, its all Good...
The earthquake came and went, apparently, with hardly a blip on the radar screen. A 2point something. I didn't notice and I probably slept though it. Only one earthquake I've ever felt in my life, and that was in Ontario, which is rather rare, but it was very interesting at the time. Small. Not scary.
Work was boring. I didn't even bother trying to spice things up with flashing the security cameras, wearing weird accessories or making silly displays. I didn't sing to the satellite radio (oldies) as I often do when inspired to make things more cheerful. I didn't get upset about it either...though I did wonder if the day would ever bloody end; today was a blanc mange.I stalked the ailes and even the manager apologised to me for things being so slow. "You mustbe so bored...it isnt always like this." "I know, Its okay" . Tomorrow we have a HUGE shipment arriving, and I anticipate it with baited breathe, being run ragged and off my feet with stuff to do looks like a good thing compared to the dreaded pacing of ailes with a duster in my hands. Give me strength.
Huh.
It was so boring I couldn't bring myself to be the quirky and weird freak that I am...I was boring myself. And tired. Exhausted. I was too tired and sore. Painting hurts my body. The last two days did me in, working for my brother on a high-end home/estate. These people have more money than God, and actually pretty good taste. I love the faux finishing, don't get me wrong, and that part was great, but mostly, for the time being, I did regular house painting (trim work, Canukifornia, I'm with you and know you feel my pain). Next week will be the fun part after my brother's crew have prepped everything for me and done the hard part....but man, am I sore. Carpal tunnel. Shoulder impingement injury saying, "Oh SHIT! Not THIS again...!" But there may be a stained glass window commission in this for me so I pretend to be a trouper and work doggedly on. So far trhe owner seems pleased with where I am going with the painting.
Its good money and I cant turn that down. My benefits package came today and next week I should get my card which means full dental, for me and 90% for B, full prescriptions, naturopathic - partially covered, and physio therapy partially covered...good stuff. (In my most wistful moments I wonder if I can push the envelope and get some coverage on fertility treatments but that will take time to investigate, and I am pretty much out out of time here... or very nearly). I'll make enough money to cover the physio, and maybe get my arms and hands in better shape. Meanwhile, with the damp and cold, arthritis is really adding insult to injury.
Whine, Whinge, Whine. Whatever. Its my prerogative.
Xena's foot is healing nicely and she is not longer limping or upset. That's a good thing. We count our blessings. Every day. Ultimately, reality being relative, it all okay. Hope its all okay with all you out there...
Meanwhile, I'm going to have a bath, with bubbles, and a glass of wine, and read a silly fluff book whilst B makes a dinner of rack of lamb, salad and broccoli. B has put on some country music which plays happily in the background. He's a convert now, after balking with large attitude in the early days, guy-like. I know that music is innane sometimes, but it is cheerful, frankly, and having songs mostly about love and life, and sex, and family filling our house rather than angst and oh woe is me, is a relief. I'm not so proud, at my age, to be reluctant to say I'm mellowing....
B and I, after almost 4 years together, have settled, finally, into a gentle rhythm of loving existance and gentle appreciation. We applaud one another our truimphs and support one another through our stresses. We dont pick at one another but rather always focus on the positive, and respect the gains we make, individually and as a couple. Conflict comes rarely and when it builds up, resentment over undiscussed or unresolved stuff,it can be explosive, but is soon resolved with the greatest desire being a need to be kind, and a way to make the other understand, and feel better...We've become best friends, after having bonded through that incredible initial attraction and passion that so often goes no where, or to a bad place. We've always said we are lucky to have found one another, and its true. I thank my lucky stars every single day. Counting blessings makes me able to deal with the every day shite.
Life is just fine, thank you. Thank you very much. :)
Work was boring. I didn't even bother trying to spice things up with flashing the security cameras, wearing weird accessories or making silly displays. I didn't sing to the satellite radio (oldies) as I often do when inspired to make things more cheerful. I didn't get upset about it either...though I did wonder if the day would ever bloody end; today was a blanc mange.I stalked the ailes and even the manager apologised to me for things being so slow. "You mustbe so bored...it isnt always like this." "I know, Its okay" . Tomorrow we have a HUGE shipment arriving, and I anticipate it with baited breathe, being run ragged and off my feet with stuff to do looks like a good thing compared to the dreaded pacing of ailes with a duster in my hands. Give me strength.
Huh.
It was so boring I couldn't bring myself to be the quirky and weird freak that I am...I was boring myself. And tired. Exhausted. I was too tired and sore. Painting hurts my body. The last two days did me in, working for my brother on a high-end home/estate. These people have more money than God, and actually pretty good taste. I love the faux finishing, don't get me wrong, and that part was great, but mostly, for the time being, I did regular house painting (trim work, Canukifornia, I'm with you and know you feel my pain). Next week will be the fun part after my brother's crew have prepped everything for me and done the hard part....but man, am I sore. Carpal tunnel. Shoulder impingement injury saying, "Oh SHIT! Not THIS again...!" But there may be a stained glass window commission in this for me so I pretend to be a trouper and work doggedly on. So far trhe owner seems pleased with where I am going with the painting.
Its good money and I cant turn that down. My benefits package came today and next week I should get my card which means full dental, for me and 90% for B, full prescriptions, naturopathic - partially covered, and physio therapy partially covered...good stuff. (In my most wistful moments I wonder if I can push the envelope and get some coverage on fertility treatments but that will take time to investigate, and I am pretty much out out of time here... or very nearly). I'll make enough money to cover the physio, and maybe get my arms and hands in better shape. Meanwhile, with the damp and cold, arthritis is really adding insult to injury.
Whine, Whinge, Whine. Whatever. Its my prerogative.
Xena's foot is healing nicely and she is not longer limping or upset. That's a good thing. We count our blessings. Every day. Ultimately, reality being relative, it all okay. Hope its all okay with all you out there...
Meanwhile, I'm going to have a bath, with bubbles, and a glass of wine, and read a silly fluff book whilst B makes a dinner of rack of lamb, salad and broccoli. B has put on some country music which plays happily in the background. He's a convert now, after balking with large attitude in the early days, guy-like. I know that music is innane sometimes, but it is cheerful, frankly, and having songs mostly about love and life, and sex, and family filling our house rather than angst and oh woe is me, is a relief. I'm not so proud, at my age, to be reluctant to say I'm mellowing....
B and I, after almost 4 years together, have settled, finally, into a gentle rhythm of loving existance and gentle appreciation. We applaud one another our truimphs and support one another through our stresses. We dont pick at one another but rather always focus on the positive, and respect the gains we make, individually and as a couple. Conflict comes rarely and when it builds up, resentment over undiscussed or unresolved stuff,it can be explosive, but is soon resolved with the greatest desire being a need to be kind, and a way to make the other understand, and feel better...We've become best friends, after having bonded through that incredible initial attraction and passion that so often goes no where, or to a bad place. We've always said we are lucky to have found one another, and its true. I thank my lucky stars every single day. Counting blessings makes me able to deal with the every day shite.
Life is just fine, thank you. Thank you very much. :)
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Being Broke Sucks...
Anyone who is freelance knows what I'm saying. Yes I have a part time job, but the pay is crappy, and until Spring, when I'll hopefully be branching out into gardening, my income is fixed and small. B's fluctuates at this time of year, its low season, so we are scrounging.
Its a small detail in the scheme of things but it makes me think of power; personal power and the power that money represents. Security. I notice how we are different with one another when the ebb and flow of that freelance life, the feast and famine thing, is in a good place. We joke around more, which is important since we are not the most jolly types at the best of times. When we are in famine mode, everything goes into a slump. Our outlook, our energy (I spent the last three days, my days off, pretty much doing nothing, for no reason at all. I wasn't depressed as such, but was unmotivated, drained), our sex life, and our ability to GENERATE goes into hibernation. It isn't surprising at this time of year and I suspect we both have a degree of that lack of sunlight syndrome called SAD . Seasonal Affected Disorder. IS it a disorder? Or is it 'normal'? Are we just following the natural rhythm of things, close to the cycles of nature?
Anyway, when we are flush, B is grandiose. I am manic. We do stuff. Not as much as I used to. Not the way I used to with turning my hand at every old and ancient craft I could learn about and get my hands on from quilting, rug hooking to decorating, faux-finish painting and making things, all the time. Whether furniture or stained glass....
I have never been so uncreative for so long a stretch in all my life and I have likewise never been so broke, and so I believe there must be a direct link between being able to access the juice of life within me, to feelings of security being overwhelmed by anxiety, worry and exhaustion.
The happy pills help but my doctor tells me it took me a lifetime to get to where I am and it will take some time to reverse the trend. Turning a ship in the middle of the ocean takes a long time. I know this. I am hopeful and optimistic, however.
I still have no relationship with my studio other than to feel guilt, and make excuses. I am often ashamed of this, looking at all the blessings I have and knowing there are so many people in this world who have less, and are struggling in life..... Not that I'm not struggling but I do have my health.
Still, I am reassuring myself that it will come. It will come with Spring, when that quickening comes, which affects all things. That giddy feeling of being high just because the sun is shining. That feeling that one has, when the buds on trees are ripe and ready to burst into leaf, that life is happening and blood begins to flow more quickly. That a secret word has been whispered into the ears of all living things and they hear it even if they don't know what it says; it is a language we all know. The need to be vital, and grab hold of life. The need to be NOW. The need to create, and the inspiration that motivates that will come. I trust that. I'm just still recovering from the last few years....
I've been thinking about my ex a lot the last few weeks. I don't know why this happens still. In July it will be 5 years since I left. April marks 4 years since I told him I don't want him to visit, after begging him for MONTHS to please come, and receiving repeated refusals, I told him it was over. He told me I had just written his death sentence. Can you believe that?!? And then I met B a month later and the rest is history.
Leaving my ex was traumatic. I still miss him desperately in some ways, because he was a such part of me, my other 1/2. In thinking about him today I realized that he wasn't good for me. I knew this, of course, all those years ago, or I wouldn't have left but my leaving was instinctive. I ran away, out of fear. I really got it today. 4 and 1/2 years later. I am absorbing the pain I couldn't cope with and the reality of my loss and the fact that is it okay. I am so much better off now. I am letting go of the grief. But I also realized, in our co-dependence, that not trying to make a baby was what broke my heart and his not caring about that was a betrayal I can finally admit to, and one I can never forgive. I spent my inheritance, my 'baby fund' , on wedding rings for us, custom made to my design, on a glorious honeymoon to Europe for 2 months, on a wedding (we eloped in Scotland), on supporting us for the next two years supplementing our scant income..... I gave him everything and when I left, I was left destitute, emotionally and materially bankrupt. They say it takes as long as the relationship lasted to get over it...yegads, ten years?! Give me strength. He took everything I had. But most crucially, he stole my dreams for a family.
I've built myself up a lot since then. I've found, by the Goddess's grace, a new and very true love, whom I adore. B. I have a home , a family of four footed beasties, a job, such as it is, and a life. I'm getting connected to the community and people through my work. I'm still rebuilding myself. I'm still in recovery. And I know that the art will come. The creative essence that I need to express, the need to make things, it will come again. When life returns to the land, and Green covers the hills. When the sun shines and the days are stretched out, long and endless as the horizon of the sea that surrounds us. When we have sun-showers and rainbows cradle the sky.....It will come. I trust that.
Meanwhile, I need to hibernate for a while longer.....
Its a small detail in the scheme of things but it makes me think of power; personal power and the power that money represents. Security. I notice how we are different with one another when the ebb and flow of that freelance life, the feast and famine thing, is in a good place. We joke around more, which is important since we are not the most jolly types at the best of times. When we are in famine mode, everything goes into a slump. Our outlook, our energy (I spent the last three days, my days off, pretty much doing nothing, for no reason at all. I wasn't depressed as such, but was unmotivated, drained), our sex life, and our ability to GENERATE goes into hibernation. It isn't surprising at this time of year and I suspect we both have a degree of that lack of sunlight syndrome called SAD . Seasonal Affected Disorder. IS it a disorder? Or is it 'normal'? Are we just following the natural rhythm of things, close to the cycles of nature?
Anyway, when we are flush, B is grandiose. I am manic. We do stuff. Not as much as I used to. Not the way I used to with turning my hand at every old and ancient craft I could learn about and get my hands on from quilting, rug hooking to decorating, faux-finish painting and making things, all the time. Whether furniture or stained glass....
I have never been so uncreative for so long a stretch in all my life and I have likewise never been so broke, and so I believe there must be a direct link between being able to access the juice of life within me, to feelings of security being overwhelmed by anxiety, worry and exhaustion.
The happy pills help but my doctor tells me it took me a lifetime to get to where I am and it will take some time to reverse the trend. Turning a ship in the middle of the ocean takes a long time. I know this. I am hopeful and optimistic, however.
I still have no relationship with my studio other than to feel guilt, and make excuses. I am often ashamed of this, looking at all the blessings I have and knowing there are so many people in this world who have less, and are struggling in life..... Not that I'm not struggling but I do have my health.
Still, I am reassuring myself that it will come. It will come with Spring, when that quickening comes, which affects all things. That giddy feeling of being high just because the sun is shining. That feeling that one has, when the buds on trees are ripe and ready to burst into leaf, that life is happening and blood begins to flow more quickly. That a secret word has been whispered into the ears of all living things and they hear it even if they don't know what it says; it is a language we all know. The need to be vital, and grab hold of life. The need to be NOW. The need to create, and the inspiration that motivates that will come. I trust that. I'm just still recovering from the last few years....
I've been thinking about my ex a lot the last few weeks. I don't know why this happens still. In July it will be 5 years since I left. April marks 4 years since I told him I don't want him to visit, after begging him for MONTHS to please come, and receiving repeated refusals, I told him it was over. He told me I had just written his death sentence. Can you believe that?!? And then I met B a month later and the rest is history.
Leaving my ex was traumatic. I still miss him desperately in some ways, because he was a such part of me, my other 1/2. In thinking about him today I realized that he wasn't good for me. I knew this, of course, all those years ago, or I wouldn't have left but my leaving was instinctive. I ran away, out of fear. I really got it today. 4 and 1/2 years later. I am absorbing the pain I couldn't cope with and the reality of my loss and the fact that is it okay. I am so much better off now. I am letting go of the grief. But I also realized, in our co-dependence, that not trying to make a baby was what broke my heart and his not caring about that was a betrayal I can finally admit to, and one I can never forgive. I spent my inheritance, my 'baby fund' , on wedding rings for us, custom made to my design, on a glorious honeymoon to Europe for 2 months, on a wedding (we eloped in Scotland), on supporting us for the next two years supplementing our scant income..... I gave him everything and when I left, I was left destitute, emotionally and materially bankrupt. They say it takes as long as the relationship lasted to get over it...yegads, ten years?! Give me strength. He took everything I had. But most crucially, he stole my dreams for a family.
I've built myself up a lot since then. I've found, by the Goddess's grace, a new and very true love, whom I adore. B. I have a home , a family of four footed beasties, a job, such as it is, and a life. I'm getting connected to the community and people through my work. I'm still rebuilding myself. I'm still in recovery. And I know that the art will come. The creative essence that I need to express, the need to make things, it will come again. When life returns to the land, and Green covers the hills. When the sun shines and the days are stretched out, long and endless as the horizon of the sea that surrounds us. When we have sun-showers and rainbows cradle the sky.....It will come. I trust that.
Meanwhile, I need to hibernate for a while longer.....
Monday, January 15, 2007
Dreaming of match-making.....
Recovering from another day off, during which I did a lot of not much. Chopped kindling, fought with the wood stove for a bit before it conceded that providing me with a glowing fire and preventing me from freezing to death in my own home was its actual purpose. Seems I've lost my fire starting touch. But in the end, I slew the beast, and made fire. I am Tom Hanks, Wilson.... see me roar!
So I didn't do the house cleaning blitz I intended to do, or the grouting of the bathroom floor which has been waiting for nigh-on two and 1/2 years (what's one more week?!) Neither the last window in the bedroom which is still naked and sans trim work. Nor the last of the trim work in the studio, which continues to be lonely, although I did transfer some boxes of broken crockery into it for future mosaic making. The list is endless. I had a lazy day. I sat on my butt a lot. Tidied the living room, did a few dishes, made the bed, and then thought: whatever. Tomorrow ... tomorrow I can do productive things before I go back to work on Wednesday. Meanwhile, lets see what Sam and Jason are up to on General Hospital..... :) Not to mention that oh-so-perfect Elizabeth.
I'm actually beginning to love my job. Have I mentioned this yet? Learning curve is sloping to a more gentle pitch. For the first time since moving to the Island, I feel as though I am part of the community. Right at the hub of it all. Everyone and their dog (or their dog's dog, in quite a few cases - and we love dogs, and give them treats) comes to our store, which sells everything from hardware, to boating supplies, linens, sporting equipment to paint, furniture to microwave ovens, plumbing and heating to pet supplies and electronics. A real old fashioned General Store. We sell almost everything and almost everyone comes in at some point or another. I am amazed by how many people I know, and how much the job is actually about people and making them happy. Which I love. If everyone who comes through my till leaves with a smile, I've done my job, and I'm happy. So far, I seem to be doing well at that.
The old me who used to teach, and who was great with people is coming back out of her shell. And I like her. She feels good in my skin, and is glad to be back. :) She is the one with confidence who flirts with everyone from the cradle to the grave. I have my favourites, and they know who they are, and if the occcasional nasty old drunkard comes through, or embittered cow who does nothing but complain, I say with and acerbic tone which only a descendant from Austrians can muster, "I'm sure they will be able to help you at the service desk....over THERE!" I.e, dont talk to me like that and piss off, thank you, and have a nice day....
The fellow who was giving me attitude and the cold shoulder the other day made a turn-around and showered me with Bonhomie the following day, going out of his way to be helpful and friendly. Strange man. I cant help but like him. I like most everyone, actually, and its all good.
We have more snow coming and for those of you in North America - on the east coast, and most of you in between - just put your fingers in your ears and say, "La-la-la-la...I cant hear you", for a bit while I whine. I left Ontario for a number of reasons, and winter was one of them. While we have a winter season which is so gentle as to be laughable to most of you, I am sure, I have been able to enjoy the snow we've had, because it tends to go away. Not so much this winter.
We have snow coming tonight, they say. And a wind storm. Enough already.
The good news is that my brother's ex, who has morphed into his 'best friend' (with benefits, and frankly, kids, I don't wanna know! Do they think this information makes things easier for me ?!?) and with whom, and her family, he spent his Christmas holiday, has come for a visit. He left right after Christmas and they did a Russian timing thing, her ancestors having come from the old country, and he's been back a week, and has asked her to come and stay for a while. Yay! I'm not going to make any wise-cracks like I did last time (like, "Oh, just get yourself with child, already, woman!" I was drunk). WHAT are they playing at? They obviously cant bear to be apart for long, cant seem to get on with their lives apart.... Ugh. I just wish they'd slip off and make me an auntie so we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief and start planning a wedding. Not that they'd allow that, they'd fight tooth and nail, probably for years, and by the time the child entered school, maybe they'd come round, the fact of the forgone conclusion being utterly lost on them.
A girl can dream, can she? Gods, I love them.. silly, obstreperous, stubborn, contrary children that they are. Don't they know that Love doesn't grow on trees?! Don't they know that if you find it, you nurture it, hang on to it, make it your first priority in life and make everything else curve around it so that is stays, protected and whole. Because it doesn't happen every day. A love like that. You cant take it for granted, ever. And speaking of which, just so you know, every morning I wake up, no matter how bad my life is, I have a bubble of happiness inside me when I hear B making coffee. I thank my lucky stars every single day of my life for having been blessed with this man, for having the Love we share. I am grateful every day. When I slip slowly from dreamland to wakefulness, I feel my chest expand, my heart open as I hear him puttering around, or feel him lying beside me, still heavy in sleep, his body a warm weight beside me, radiating heat as only a man's body does, inhaling his smell, that warm man smell of HIM, and that singular and unique sense of safe contentment washes over me, saying, 'we are here, together, and It Is Good'....Meanwhile, the cats begin to stir, making 'I want my breakfast" noises.....
That wonderful man, who tells me tonight, he's hilarious, that he's going to teach me to drive standard, in the dark, with snow clouds looming, on the way to dinner...right. Have I told you recently that he drives me nuts? And I love him. Impractical dreamer, who makes his impractical dreams a concrete reality. He makes me a person who tries to be a better person, and every now and then we, together, succeed. We're muddling through, we are, and it is okay.....
We are going over to my brother's for dinner tonight, in a hour, so I'd better finish this and get ready. I cant wait to see her.
I have loved her since she was in utero (this gets a bit strange...). I was actually the one who named her. Our families have been friends since I was a baby. Her older sister and I, who are of an age, shared a crib when we were tiny. And when the new baby was one the way, ten years later (my brother's 'best friend'), I was the one who suggested her name. We all grew up together, sort of like cousins, which makes their relationship oddly incestuous, in a way. It isn't that they were childhood sweethearts or anything. In fact, her sister and I did everything we could to keep them apart, seeing the sparks between them for years and thinking they'd be a disaster just waiting to happen. It was inevitable. Karmic. That was nearly 6 years ago.... and the rest is history as they say.
I cant wait to see them together. They are SO cute. They are so lovely as a couple I just want to smack them upside the head and tell them to get on with it, but they are working things through in their own way... And I have to work with what's right for them, no matter what I think. I just want them to be happy. I just want them to be happy and wish they could do that together. It could happen....
As I said....I can hope, and dream....
I will try soon to figure out how to post some photos of the dogs, with the DT's helpful hints.
Ninight, my Chickadees. Hope all's well with all of you.
So I didn't do the house cleaning blitz I intended to do, or the grouting of the bathroom floor which has been waiting for nigh-on two and 1/2 years (what's one more week?!) Neither the last window in the bedroom which is still naked and sans trim work. Nor the last of the trim work in the studio, which continues to be lonely, although I did transfer some boxes of broken crockery into it for future mosaic making. The list is endless. I had a lazy day. I sat on my butt a lot. Tidied the living room, did a few dishes, made the bed, and then thought: whatever. Tomorrow ... tomorrow I can do productive things before I go back to work on Wednesday. Meanwhile, lets see what Sam and Jason are up to on General Hospital..... :) Not to mention that oh-so-perfect Elizabeth.
I'm actually beginning to love my job. Have I mentioned this yet? Learning curve is sloping to a more gentle pitch. For the first time since moving to the Island, I feel as though I am part of the community. Right at the hub of it all. Everyone and their dog (or their dog's dog, in quite a few cases - and we love dogs, and give them treats) comes to our store, which sells everything from hardware, to boating supplies, linens, sporting equipment to paint, furniture to microwave ovens, plumbing and heating to pet supplies and electronics. A real old fashioned General Store. We sell almost everything and almost everyone comes in at some point or another. I am amazed by how many people I know, and how much the job is actually about people and making them happy. Which I love. If everyone who comes through my till leaves with a smile, I've done my job, and I'm happy. So far, I seem to be doing well at that.
The old me who used to teach, and who was great with people is coming back out of her shell. And I like her. She feels good in my skin, and is glad to be back. :) She is the one with confidence who flirts with everyone from the cradle to the grave. I have my favourites, and they know who they are, and if the occcasional nasty old drunkard comes through, or embittered cow who does nothing but complain, I say with and acerbic tone which only a descendant from Austrians can muster, "I'm sure they will be able to help you at the service desk....over THERE!" I.e, dont talk to me like that and piss off, thank you, and have a nice day....
The fellow who was giving me attitude and the cold shoulder the other day made a turn-around and showered me with Bonhomie the following day, going out of his way to be helpful and friendly. Strange man. I cant help but like him. I like most everyone, actually, and its all good.
We have more snow coming and for those of you in North America - on the east coast, and most of you in between - just put your fingers in your ears and say, "La-la-la-la...I cant hear you", for a bit while I whine. I left Ontario for a number of reasons, and winter was one of them. While we have a winter season which is so gentle as to be laughable to most of you, I am sure, I have been able to enjoy the snow we've had, because it tends to go away. Not so much this winter.
We have snow coming tonight, they say. And a wind storm. Enough already.
The good news is that my brother's ex, who has morphed into his 'best friend' (with benefits, and frankly, kids, I don't wanna know! Do they think this information makes things easier for me ?!?) and with whom, and her family, he spent his Christmas holiday, has come for a visit. He left right after Christmas and they did a Russian timing thing, her ancestors having come from the old country, and he's been back a week, and has asked her to come and stay for a while. Yay! I'm not going to make any wise-cracks like I did last time (like, "Oh, just get yourself with child, already, woman!" I was drunk). WHAT are they playing at? They obviously cant bear to be apart for long, cant seem to get on with their lives apart.... Ugh. I just wish they'd slip off and make me an auntie so we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief and start planning a wedding. Not that they'd allow that, they'd fight tooth and nail, probably for years, and by the time the child entered school, maybe they'd come round, the fact of the forgone conclusion being utterly lost on them.
A girl can dream, can she? Gods, I love them.. silly, obstreperous, stubborn, contrary children that they are. Don't they know that Love doesn't grow on trees?! Don't they know that if you find it, you nurture it, hang on to it, make it your first priority in life and make everything else curve around it so that is stays, protected and whole. Because it doesn't happen every day. A love like that. You cant take it for granted, ever. And speaking of which, just so you know, every morning I wake up, no matter how bad my life is, I have a bubble of happiness inside me when I hear B making coffee. I thank my lucky stars every single day of my life for having been blessed with this man, for having the Love we share. I am grateful every day. When I slip slowly from dreamland to wakefulness, I feel my chest expand, my heart open as I hear him puttering around, or feel him lying beside me, still heavy in sleep, his body a warm weight beside me, radiating heat as only a man's body does, inhaling his smell, that warm man smell of HIM, and that singular and unique sense of safe contentment washes over me, saying, 'we are here, together, and It Is Good'....Meanwhile, the cats begin to stir, making 'I want my breakfast" noises.....
That wonderful man, who tells me tonight, he's hilarious, that he's going to teach me to drive standard, in the dark, with snow clouds looming, on the way to dinner...right. Have I told you recently that he drives me nuts? And I love him. Impractical dreamer, who makes his impractical dreams a concrete reality. He makes me a person who tries to be a better person, and every now and then we, together, succeed. We're muddling through, we are, and it is okay.....
We are going over to my brother's for dinner tonight, in a hour, so I'd better finish this and get ready. I cant wait to see her.
I have loved her since she was in utero (this gets a bit strange...). I was actually the one who named her. Our families have been friends since I was a baby. Her older sister and I, who are of an age, shared a crib when we were tiny. And when the new baby was one the way, ten years later (my brother's 'best friend'), I was the one who suggested her name. We all grew up together, sort of like cousins, which makes their relationship oddly incestuous, in a way. It isn't that they were childhood sweethearts or anything. In fact, her sister and I did everything we could to keep them apart, seeing the sparks between them for years and thinking they'd be a disaster just waiting to happen. It was inevitable. Karmic. That was nearly 6 years ago.... and the rest is history as they say.
I cant wait to see them together. They are SO cute. They are so lovely as a couple I just want to smack them upside the head and tell them to get on with it, but they are working things through in their own way... And I have to work with what's right for them, no matter what I think. I just want them to be happy. I just want them to be happy and wish they could do that together. It could happen....
As I said....I can hope, and dream....
I will try soon to figure out how to post some photos of the dogs, with the DT's helpful hints.
Ninight, my Chickadees. Hope all's well with all of you.
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