I've been told that I remain on 'probation' , being one of the newer members on the Totem pole at work ,because I don't have enough computer skills. At the time - last week - I was so gutted I immediately fell into a depression and got sick. Fortunately I had my three days off, right after that, which I spent pretty much on the couch, being alternately sorry for myself about being ill, and sorry for myself for not getting on the benefits plan. Yet. Bastards. What they'll do, I suspect, is use me and then spit me out after the Christmas rush. First day back at work, I was cowed and quiet, but now I'm back to my usual flippant and mouthy self, and if they don't like that, they can fold their opinions into sharp little corners and insert them right up their you-know-whats.
Fuck 'em. Goddamn office politics. I am not a politician. And anyway, as e.e. cummings said, "A politician is an arse, upon which has sat, everything but a man." So there. Why can people just be nice and get the job done? Why is it always about competition and status and power. Yuk. Okay? Just...yuk.
I'm an artist, and I'm playing at being a till jockey right now. And I only have myself to blame, but having owned and managed my own business for ten years, and taught stained glass and mosaics for three, through the Board of Education's continuing Ed programme, I can confidently say, I'm not a complete idiot, or entirely without people skills. Thank you. Its what happens when you leave a marriage, and a home, a whole history, life, and friends behind; dust settling across 5ooo miles. Or is that kilometers? It doesn't matter, that was then and this is now, and the point is that I am shit scared of engaging with the studio and doing art. Why? WHY?!
Why am I so afraid of it/of myself?
Argh.
I've always thought that artist's block was a euphemism for wallowing or spinelessness, or lack of drive. Lack of confidence maybe. I am harsh, yeah, but who else will look as closely at this than me and pull out the old ghosts to pick through them and say, "THIS is where the fear began...and this is where the road forked, this is where you said no to your Self".
The snow remains, and our dog enclosure is something I am grateful for, still not being able to run the dogs at the ravine. Four of Zeus's balls are lost in the snow. We'll hunt for them when it melts. Probably this weekend. They are still loving the snow. :)
I wonder what I am doing with my life, and worry that in the process of becoming, I am becoming something I don't want to be or have any control over..... Who IS this person? What's happened to me?! What if I am never meant to make or do anything to be proud of?!
Don't worry, once I've licked this blasted cold, which I almost have, I'll be back to my usual Self. Oh, wait a minute, I forgot who that is.....
I am lonely for my iblogs crowd. I miss them a lot. I hope they are all okay....
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4 comments:
Sorry you're having trouble at work. Computer skills? Sounds like they don't deserve you. Maybe, after Christmas, its time to get back to your calling as an artist. Thanks for sending your blog address. Have a great weekend, and to hell with those losers.
Thanks for your comments too. I miss the iblogs feature where they'd email you if you had a comment from someone. I wanted to tell you you have plenty to be proud of simply in being a decent self-aware person. Hard to value our immaterial qualities though, isn't it?
Could you tell me how you added peple to your "tribe" category?
Hey Birdie. I'm sorry to hear about your probation. It's very difficult to remember what one's true self was like during the tough time, and the prolonged period of apparent 'normality' which seemingly lasts almost forever could be worse. Please don't forget about Art. Even if you forgot who you were, your soul remembers when it's fed with Art.
Love you, Poth the uk alien
Thank you both, you always have wise words that comfort me :)
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