Layers of the Onion....

Got my car back on the road for the first time in over a week. That was exciting. I took Zeus with me into town to pick up a few bits and pieces, among them dog food and treats. He was spoiled, as usual. He always enjoys, with a simultaneous exultant thrill, yet still a calm and smug, "This is only my due" kind of attitude, as he receives the adoration of his fans, and seeks every opportunity to work the crowd and expand his fan base. He thinks he's royalty. Or a rock star. What a ham! Of course, the way people fuss over him doesn't help the high regard he holds of his own status in the eyes of the world. Silly dog. It makes me think of the personas we all put on when we go into the world. He's really quite sensitive and insecure. As are we all, and we all put on 'the mask' to make ourselves safe.

The new and exciting drama occurring at the house is that as the snow begins to melt, it is sliding off the roof of main house and studio, and taking the gutters with it. One of them is ripped right in 1/2. This is not good, and when the parent arrives at Christmas, to view her domain, she will have fits. I am trying not to have them myself.

I've let go of a lot of my emotional investment in this place as I am reminded, repeatedly, when things come to conflict with her, that she could have bought a house elsewhere, with other tenants, and not had such a headache. Thanks mom. I am reminded, every time I go into anxiety attacks at her imminent arrival, by my sibling, that I chose this, to live in her house. Yes, I did.

I find my hindsight is spectacularly clear. Not so good the other way round. Never mind... We have to deal with what is.

In fact, mum has been surprisingly supportive about the crappy job and is encouraging me to get my arse into the studio to 'produce', but there is the issue of mortgage and bills, and 4 dogs to feed, (don't forget the two cats), and my own sometimes crippling sadness that comes at times of stress, to paralyse me and beat me down.

Meanwhile, after a fantastic beginning to the year, and telling me he didn't want me to have to work outside of the home if I didn't want to, and to GET INTO THE STUDIO!" B had a setback in his new business at the end of the Summer and is struggling to catch up again. Ergo me and the crappy job....He will, it is just a matter of time. He's so talented and good at what he does and has already built a reputation which is very respected,in only one year of being out on his own. These things take time. It will be okay.

Did I mention we were robbed by one of the reno workers two or so months ago? My mother's house, her reno, her money. My fault. I didn't lock the house. No one does here. It has fucked me up badly. That experience brought up all of the old issues, pushing me into a relapse of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I feel like nothing will ever be the same.

Getting on meds helped, at least it is better now, but when I started my job, I was on the edge and things got worse for a while, so that I had trouble concentrating and focusing. My short term memory is like a sieve these days. Not good circumstances under which I have to learn a computer database system on a pc when I have historically ONLY used, ever, a Mac.

And then there is the fact that now that I am 42, hoping for a miracle is kind of a lost cause. A baby isn't going to happen in this life time. We cant afford fertility or foreign adoption. And I am to old to qualify for regular adoption in this country as the waiting list can drag on for years.

Right now.... I feel okay. Its been a rough ride the last few months though. Right now, I can stay up late tonight watching tv on the couch, offer to make hot lemon and honey for B who is in the worst part of the cold I gave him (which I am now nearly over). He will refuse it, saying, "no thanks, Baby". But I did make a fantastic soup and lovely salad for dinner, and made him lunch earlier this morning. We eat very well. We might be dirt poor right now but we eat well, and so do the beasties.

If I'm really lucky, the roads will be clear enough to bundle the dogs into my ancient car and take them to the ravine for a run.....

I can stay up late tonight, sleep in tomorrow a little, but get up early enough to make B breakfast and lunch, and see him off on his day. We take care of each other. If I feel like it I'll clean the house tomorrow, and if not, I'll do something else, or nothing at all. A day off. Make myself hot lemon, and crap out on the couch and watch soap operas.... and try to block out the sounds of a lonely studio, still not named, still not animated, who keeps asking me to come and play with her, and which I still ignore. I am feeling her calling more and more insistently and I know I NEED to get over there, because I don't want her to become a sad and lonely space. She needs my energy, my attention. She needs to be loved so that I can feel safe and creative in there, and we can make things together.....Maybe she is the child I am meant to have.....? I am trying to strtip off layers of the onion these days, distilling what I am and what I need, who I want to be into one and the same thing, but they seem so far apart....

We all have lonely spaces within us that need attention. We all have symbols and archetypes that speak to us about those places. And call to us. How often do we listen?