THIS is what made my heart go "Aaaah!" Gods, can you handle the cuteness? Its too soon to tell, but I think brother might be a 'Bullseye' Ginger, which is rare. It means he doesnt have the usual striping but has round, circular markings. Sister is So lovely and gentle, with a white belly and reminds me of Xena, with her black and orange brindle markings. Aren't they gorgeous?
This is what is making me happy, what is getting me excited about having new life in the house, new energy, and new creativity. THIS is what is getting me engaged in the process of creating and being here NOW in life, inspiring me and helping me shake off the last dregs of the winter, down-dragging blues.
I made a whole entirely new raised bed in the garden today, near the studio and close to where the gate will go eventually, and ringed it with stones in an almost spiral; sort of a circle which went inwards and then flared at the edge. That makes no sense of course but no matter because the point is that each stone was dug out by me, by HAND from the sand-box/gravel pit that pretends to be soil on this acre which is slowly but surely becoming beautiful. The reason for the new raised bed was to honour Muriel's potted plants, which have been languishing for two years, waiting to find a proper home where they can put down their roots. So I planted B's mum's two shrubberies, along with loads of other plants which I transplanted from here and there. It looks gorgeous. I'm stoked. I'm sure Muriel is pleased (even though I accidentally broke a piece off one of her her Christmas cactus plants the other week... Sorry M...)
I'm off the couch, feeling SO much better. Spent the whole day outside and am feeling really positive. Got a bit of sun on my face. I worked like a maniac and couldnt believe how much I got done. With all the digging and getting wheel barrows of dirt from the meadow below the woods, I did something weird to my Sacro Illiac, but I dont care! Its like I feel a new infusion of "YES, lets GO!" flowing through me. And it felt truly like Spring has not only arrived, but has had a fanfare of trumpets, with feather boas and sequined ta-ta's, to announce "Hello everybody, I'm AT the PARTY!"
I dont know why this is so important to me. It is symbolic maybe. Another Mother's Day has past without babies of my own body. This time of year, 18 years ago, I lost one of my 3 pregnancies.... This is an anniversary. Its a letting go and a way to be okay with that. This is a surrogate, for sure. And also here's a way to expand Life, caring, nurturing. Symbolic of me reconnecting with giving myself what I want and need, which I havent done for so, So long....I used to be so adamant about what I wanted. I've become a blanc-mange; but now things are shifting back to how they were, or even into something new, something better, at last. It feels really good.
B came with me to visit the 'twins' today. Their eyes have turned from blue to green in the last two days, which tells us they are about 6 weeks old. His comment: "Yup, they are really cute" was a bit quiet, but remember that he now has my cold, which I of course have got rid of. Hoping his enthusiasm levels will rise as the 'due date' gets closer. He is not very 'animated ' in general these days which I can well understand (who can blame him?) and have compassion for because I BLOODY WELL know how it feels ( for the last two plus months!)
Anyway, back to the kits. They have to gain some weight before they can be spayed and neutered. The local SPCA no longer lets any animal out of their care before they've been fixed, which I think is a good thing. They have to wait until the kits are at least 2 lbs before they will be strong enough to undergo surgery. So it will be a number of weeks yet before they come home. Did I mention that already? Oh probably. I'm so thrilled I'm babbling and repeating myself.
So today was a very good one.....
Until I spoke to my brother.
So, if you please, if you can, answer me this:
Why? WHY?!
Why do I always fall into the same trap of my own making? Why do I always attempt, despite the evidence and years of experience to trust my brother and tell him anything about my life, as though he might inquire about how I am, what's going on, why I am where I am and is that ok, or make some positive statement of any kind whatsoever? At. All.
I talked to him on the phone and told him about the kittens, though to be absolutely truthful I only actually mentioned one kitten, intuitively trying to protect myself from his reaction; trying to lessen the load which I sensed was going to come down on me. Intuitively knowing that to tell him would be a mistake...and I did it anyway, more fool me, ( MORE FOOL ME!) Wanting for him to be a part of our happy news news. Wanting him to hear joyfulness in my voice and share it and ...approve. (Why do I need his approval!?) Wanting him to ask if I missed Tashy, and do I feel that it must take two cats to fill the hole in my heart that she left when she went, BIG in my heart as she was. Or laugh and say, "you're mad" or, "you should have been born a farmer", or, "Yegads, I hope you got that vacuum cleaner replaced". Wanting him to be happy for me. Wanting him to understand that I cant fill my house with the pitter- patter of tiny feet other than the four footed kind, and wanting him to fucking GET THAT...Wanting him to know that I need this, and why. I so want him to understand who I am, but he doesnt, or wont. He doesnt want to. Doesnt care to. I just want him to be part of my life as it is, and be .... a part of my life. But he just doesnt want to....
Instead, no surprise, he levelled both barrels at me and let me have it, straight on and head on. So much judgement. So mean. So much criticism. I should have known. I did know.... Of course I knew but I tried anyway.
I was so hurt. I let him rant and then quietly said I had to go. Said goodbye, and rang off. Then I got a vicious, utterly brutal and completely rancid email from him telling me, among other things, that 'normal people' dont require so many pets, that 'normal people' might consider our number of animals 'adequate'. "That 'normal people' might find the the number of pets over the top, and suggested that the pet hair and dander might make 'normal people' not want to come to our house (well the hell with them, then, Goddammit!). That I've been sick so much lately because of my pets (?!?!) That I'm defensive and then (O.M.G!) he asked me if I'm bored with my other pets.... Jesus! Can you believe that? Oh sure, ask your friend next time she's on her second, or third, or whatever pregnancy... "Why are you having another...are you BORED with the first?" Please put on your 3-d glasses on right now and watch her rip your throat out in striking technicolour. Then, THEN, he said he was entitled to his opinion (huh, not wrong there, but I'm likewise entitled to mine) and accused me of hanging up on him. Hello! HELLO!!! I said I had to go. I SAID GOODBYE... in a polite voice even.
I'm gutted. Why dont I ever learn? Why do I bother? Why do I invite him in and let him HURT me. Again and again. It never changes....
He's been really very not nice to me... a lot, in my life. He's been the apple of my eye since he was born and he has resented me, hated me, humiliated me, rejected me, judged me, treated me like absolute shite, and befriended the very people (most certainly 'normal people') who have trampled over me and abused me....Why do I try to engage, and bother to share what's happening for me, what's important to me, what is really good and exciting in my life? Why do I want him to CARE?!
Probably because I'm not a 'normal person'.
More fool me. I should know better.
Fuck him.
These babies.... They are my Mother's Day present, thank you. Thank you very much. If you dont understand that, cant understand that....
7 comments:
Oh Hummingbird, those kittens are adorable. I'm so so glad you got them both. I refrained from commenting on your last post because I, for one, am not one of the "normal people" and didn't think it was right of me to shout "GET TWO GET TWO" when you seemed to be resigning yourself to one. I'm SO glad you went with your heart and got them both. I can't wait until they come home to you.
I'm sorry about your brother. I know, (and you clearly know too) that there are some people that you must learn not to rely on for certain kinds of support. There is a loss there and a mourning as well, as you accept that you begin to accept that that relationship doesn't include a critical part. It's very hard to let go of that hope that the relationship can rise above. You may still be able to love your brother and have him in your life, but he is not the one to support you in these types of things. Your heart is right, you are more normal than you know, and truly, fuck him.
Two stories for you so you know you're not alone. First, about my kittens. After our first cat died, I decided to go get some kittens. I convinced my husband (after a good bit of work) that we should get two, and happily went off to the shelter. At the shelter there were three little ones in a cage: siblings. I stood there for about an hour. Take the two girls? Take the two grey ones? I think you probably know what happened. I just couldn't leave one behind alone in that cage. When my husband got home we were playing in the bedroom. There's one. There's two, how cute! Wait, what's that meowing coming from over there? What? There's three!
Second story. On Mothers Day this year, I pumped myself up, put a smile on my face and dragged myself out of the house to go to my mother-in-laws, determined to be positive and cheerful. As I stepped out of the house, my neighbor was on her front porch. We said hi, I said happy mothers day, as she has a gobzillion children and grandchildren. She said, "Are you pregnant?" .... Really? Really Neighbor-lady? Do people still say that to people? Really Universe? you're going to have someone ask me if I'm pregnant on Mothers Day? *sigh*. I just said "ummm, no" and got in the car.
I'm so glad to hear you outside and feeling better. Take joy in your pets and pride in your garden. Spring is here for you.
Those kitties are beautiful. We aren't even allowed to go look at kitties because we would take them all home. This is why, when you have a bunch of kitties, that you find a kid and a cardboard box and stand them out in front of the supermarket with a FREE KITTIES! Sign and they'll be gone.
Normal? Who cares?
I'm sorry about your brother. I'm sure he has some good qualities, but he also seems to have a heart of stone.
Rose
Those kittens are surec cute!
What's not cute is the attitude of your brother. I don't mean that in a way that his attitude could be cute, but... you get my point. Why should you care about normal people? Normal people are too weird. If they don't like your pets, then forget them.
What you could do is to point out any of his embarassing problems to him the next time he starts to reprimand you. Just be silent for a while, then say something like "So, still have the clap, eh?" or "oh, speaking of morons, how's your wife?" You won't look like a jackass because he threw the first stone.
Hang in there, Hummingbird!
The DT
You are not a fool or an idiot. You are a kind, strong and gentle soul who is caring for creatures who might otherwise be homeless, injured, hungry or worse. That's good. "Normal" is not necessarily good. It just means "Average". Good goes beyond average.
Thank you to everyone for your kindness and support. You've made me able to reaffirm my own gut instincts, and to separate from the judgement that causes doubt in my life. A hundred times: Thank you! Love, Bird. C. xoxo
Hi there. I am new to your blog, having stumbled upon it for some odd reason - but I am so glad I did. The post about your brother brought tears to my eyes, MOSTLY because it's so painful, and his judgements of you, and your acquisition of a precious animal, and you still hoping he will inquire about your life or respond to it in a thoughtful and loving way...all of it I felt to my bones because my sister - my only sibling - is EXACTLY the same way. I used to let it really, really hurt me. I am 36 and had it not been for my husband helping me learn how to put it into perspective, and how to stand up for her, I would still be waiting for her to be the sister I want, the sister who wants to know about my life, who approves of what I do, how I look, how I live. I worry so much that after our parents are gone, who are in their seventies, that all I have left in the world is my sister...and she is so hardened. I have tried everything. Most people in our family have, but she is a well of bitterness and anger. I used to sit on the phone with her and ask her all sorts of questions about her job, her health etc..and not once has she ever returned the courtesy of a "How are you?" Right before I basically cut her off, her violence had become more physical, and I'm not perfect, but I DON'T deserve to be hit. Anyhow, sorry to go on, but I had never seen anyone write so candidly about a sibling issue so similar to my own. Lots of love, Hinsley
and ooops, I meant..how to stand up TO her and not FOR her. I did that for far too long.
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