Ruminations on Redemption

In my family, one of the problems is that we don't let things go. There is a lot of psycho-babble talk all the time, so called 'processing' (the family business) but the truth is that we cant seem to move forward without dragging the past along with us and tripping over it. Or flinging it into one another's faces. The concept of 'healing' is bandied about on a daily basis whilst the weapons of past destruction are primed, aimed with deadly accuracy at the target's most vulnerable spot, just waiting to be fired. And usually are. Sometimes the rockets go off spontaneously, without warning, surprising everyone. The ricochets can be deadly.

Okay, so it wasn't all bad. There were some good times. We laughed, we cried. But frankly, Scarlet, enough is enough.

The problem isn't entirely our own. Its cultural, and probably universal in family dynamics. As much as we know this we still act it out. Talk about it, and act it out again in a zillion different variations. From family, to nations, its the same story.

Why is it that we hold on to the past so hard, as if our present or our future couldn't live without it? Ego. Is that it? Identity? Who would I be if I let the past baggage, like the garbage that it is, simply go?! How would I be free to develop? I must be afraid of myself, of who I might be allowed to be, and of my potential or I would let all that crap go. What am I so afraid of? Does a me without that weight think she'd be worse off?!

I've been working on the concept of the 'process of becoming' for some time now. I watch myself encapsulate the good moments in my family's past, tie them up tightly and off they float, drifting, like bubbles, utterly unconnected to the day to day so that what creates the image of the whole, and is the basic thread through the continuum, really just goes from bad to bad. This doesn't work. At least that's what I used to do. And that's been the pattern in my family. We all do it. And it sucks.

I'm noticing how deeply entrenched the pattern of judgement and making the other wrong is in my family. Part of my character too, no doubt, as that is how I was raised. I hate that. I'm noticing how much I wish instead that the mere idea of allowing a person to just be who they are is such a challenge. Why cant we just accept, invite, allow and embrace?

I make mistakes. I know that. Everyone does. But in my family, the focus is so often on the negative. Mistakes, or the assumption that a person might be doing something another doesn't agree with, ergo it MUST me a mistake, will be judged. The smallest thing can become a spark to trigger an argument.The larger the transgression (decided by whom ever is in the most controlling mood at the time, and you can pick any little stupid thing, as an example, I'm sure you have a few of your own), the greater the judgement, and the smaller the possibility of being invited to have a relationship where compassion and acceptance has a place. Without compassion there is no possibility of being redeemed from error. We stay stuck in the place of mistakes and are forever damned by them. And guess what? There might not be any mistake at all! There can be judgement just BECAUSE!

When there is judgement, there can be no compassion. There is only judgement.

My mother had a hard life. She has a hard time not judging. I have to remind myself that she was very broken.With a compass so badly damaged, just how well could she have possibly done?! I know she did her best but my brother and I are still recovering, and living through the consequences. She gave what she could back then. Some of it was wonderful. She gives a lot now. I learned a lot of good from her. I also learned how to beat myself up. I learned from the best after all.

This year, this brand-spanking-new and shining year is taking on a shape already. And it looks like a place where compassion will play a much larger role. I hope so. I know I have to start with myself. Being kind to myself is the only way I will learn to pay it forward, back into my family, and disarm the defenses. Its going to be a big one...... this new leaf.

On a lighter note I read a funny quote I thought I'd leave you with:

"I'm having a difficult day... My inner child just threw up on my higher Power."

The good news: 1): Most of the stolen money was recovered.

2): Mum's gone.

3): I got my benefits and they should kick in soon. (Also am beginning to really like my job).

Happy New Year everyone! :)